I’ve been doing a lot of dating since renting an apartment. Dating apps, friends of friends, strangers I meet while out and about. There are so many ways to funnel new people into your world.
This much dating and putting oneself out there leads to a lot of rejection.
Now, no side of the rejection dance is fun. Nobody wants to be rejected, of course, but it’s not a thrill to reject someone either. Unless that person is a psychopath, rejecting someone is unpleasant, too.
And, while those particular moments aren’t cheerful, those moments pass soon enough.
And, after the moment passes, it’s important to remind yourself that rejection isn’t good or bad. It just is. We assign our own meaning.
Since it’s up to me to assign the meaning, I try to think of rejection as a good thing. A wonderful thing, I may even argue. Rejection keeps people apart who shouldn’t be together. Rejection isn’t a value judgment on another person. It’s not I am not good enough for the other person. It’s we’re not good together. Change the narrative and the framing.
For someone who has been both the bug and the windshield in rejection, I think I’m getting better at both.
Rejecting Someone
For me, choosing to reject someone always comes down to a lack of chemistry. Grr factor. Vibes. The thing you can’t quite name, but if you could sell, you would make dozens of dollars. Attraction. If there is none, there’s no point in dating.
If I’ve met someone only once and don’t want to be friends or hang out again, I am comfortable not responding to a communication and hoping they then decide to ghost me back. Bam! Everyone is happy.
If I’ve met someone a couple of times who I want to befriend, but not date, and he is showing interest that I’m not feeling, I try to be as clear as possible as early as possible.
Which, you know, is easier said than done.
If you tell a guy you’re not interested in him romantically too early (in his mind), he’ll call you arrogant and stuck up for thinking he was hitting on you when he clearly wasn’t! He puts his hand on everyone’s back! That’s how he shows friendship, dammit.
If you tell a guy you’re not interested in him romantically too late (in his mind), he’ll accuse you of leading him on. Why else would he keep putting his hand on your back? It was obvious that he liked you!
Life is hard.
If I could see myself being friends with the person, but not dating him, I tell him so.
Hey, I really like [thing about person that makes me want to befriend him] and would love to be friends if you’re keen, but don’t think we have the necessary grr factor for romance.
If I don’t want to be friends with the person, I don’t suggest we hang out.
Thanks for [date activity], but I don’t think we have the necessary grr factor to date. Good luck out there, slugger!
Maybe skip the “slugger” part.
Rejecting someone isn’t amusing. Nobody wants to make somebody else feel bad, but you have to accept that you can’t make them feel better because the only thing that would make them feel better is you. And, since rejection is basically saying you can’t have me, it’s better to step away.
Clarity above all else. I think that’s really the only thing you can do. Don’t draw it out or give false hope. Be kind, but also firm. Don’t add caveats like right now. I also don’t think it’s helpful to disparage yourself or say “it’s me” because the other person clearly doesn’t think it’s you and it’s not you.
It’s us that doesn’t work.
Being rejected
After someone rejects me, I tell myself that the person who is rejecting me knows something through their experience of the world that makes them sense that we wouldn’t be good together. Other people’s experiences of the world matter.
It’s not me, it’s how we are together that causes someone to reject me.
I try to think back to a similar time when I was the one doing the rejecting. After I reject someone, especially if I don’t know them very well, it’s over and I get back to my life. Realizing that the other person doesn’t think about me at all helps. Let’s gather up our brain cells and move on. I zealously protect my brain cells.
I also realize that, as the person being rejected, it’s in my power to make the interaction pleasant or unpleasant. That’s the control I have in the situation. How do I want to remember this event?
From Captain Awkward:
“You will be a better and happier person if you can become a man who can develop coping skills to soothe his own hurt feelings and handle rejection without blaming or punishing the other person.”
Truth.
I recognize that the emotion I’m feeling is sadness. And then I remind myself that it’s not the only thing that matters. It’s not even a large percentage of the thing that matters.
And I think you can numb yourself to rejection if it occurs enough. People who keep putting themselves out there in spite of the rejection are the ones who seem to win at life the most.
At least that’s what a book told me.
Of course I’m human and I’ve fallen quite short on both sides on this interaction plenty of times. Plenty of times. Oh, man, so many times. I think I’m learning with each additional interaction though. At least, I hope so.
My guess, the unknown towel animal is an octopus. Oh and dating… In my ever so humble, but rather experienced history, it’s much easier/better results for friends to lead to dating than dating lead to friends.
Friends———-> Date (Good) Date———-> Friends (Bad)
I do think women have the tougher job in rejection though, for the exact reason(s) you articulated. Although men are probably rejected more often given the same number of dates. So pick your poison, I guess.
I don’t see it! The tentacles aren’t obvious to me.
It’s a rare character that you can befriend after deciding no chemistry, but I’ve found those friendships to be worthwhile.
It’s a squid!
I’ll show you a squid next week.
Keep plugging away. I’ve stepped out of the whole dating arena a long time but should really get back in.
In Western World, I think the balance of power is tilted in women’s favor as they are generally being the ones pursued and have the power of yes/no.
For men, like myself, the best course is to develop a thick skin and just treat it like a numbers game e.g. ask 15 girls out and you might get one date. Whatever you do, don’t ask one girl out and then get discouraged if she says no.
Not very romantic but true.
This is an older article. I also stepped back from dating over winter. I asked the universe if I should start dating again and three days later a guy asked me out in a coffee shop. A little on the nose, eh, Universe?
I think it unwise to assign every relationship to the same category. There are folks with whom one oughtn’t be lovers, but you can readily buy groceries from them, or share a book.
Calibrating the distance one keeps from others requires a nuanced understanding of the nature of the relationship. Friends can stand side-by-side and link arms with two, three, many others. Lovers stand face-to-face and that’s when three’s a crowd. Family members may be annoying as heck, yet bound by unbreakable loyalty. And the crying child in the street that we help represents a fourth aspect of the love and connectedness we all extend throughout the universe.
Dating is thus an exploration of whether two people are suited to relate in which of these aspects to which degree of closeness. It shouldn’t be taken too seriously if one is unsuited to another and should not be taken seriously if feelings of attraction are not reciprocated. You don’t know what he knows about himself and this self-knowledge leads him to his findings just as your self-knowledge leads you to yours.
An advantage of the traditional Indian arrangement between families is that this suitability finding can benefit from the perspectives of the extended family and those closest to them. Consensus decisions can often be better than individual ones.
There’s nobody I wouldn’t buy groceries from. As long as the groceries were in a store.
Great post, and those animal towels are money, that’s good art
There was a class on the cruise ship on how to make them and I wish I had gone!
Yeah, octopus maybe, or squid?
wrt rejection, it sometimes feels the same with applying for jobs. I sometimes tell people “it’s all about fit, not fitness” and that seems to resonate with them.
Octopus seems like it could be a little more obvious with more separate legs, no?
I think I’d find a way to feel hurt over “fit, not fitness.” So, I’m competent, you just don’t like me?
A very pragmatic and reasonable post. I humbly submit that there is a flaw in your rejection rationale. Specifically what is called ‘chemistry’. Chemistry can fade and it can grow. Certainly, the easy way is to ride the chemistry wave. It is a fun wave that explodes on the side of a beach. An exhilarating yet short ride. Then there are the voyages where chemistry develops on a less ethereal level initially. I’m not talking about the person who gives you an icky vibe but perhaps the seemingly plain person who doesn’t make you want to jump on the boogey board and ride the wave the minute you see them. Time and proximity can generate chemistry is my point. Sudden chemistry is often as fleeting as it is rare. A quick ride to shore or a voyage with no end? It’s not so simple…
I’ve tried ignoring the “no chemistry” warning flags and it always ends badly.
@Michael – My wife and I started dating 12 years ago. Immediate chemistry. Over the years our relationship has grown and deepened and changed, but the chemistry is still there strong as ever. I think one shouldn’t use chemistry as the only judge of a relationship (and I agree about your time and proximity point 100%!), but good chemistry between a couple doesn’t have to fade with time.
Lucky!
Yes, definitely. But not all luck. Like you, we also took a pragmatic approach to dating. We were each tired of dating for months/years before the inevitable breakup over foreseeable issues. So although the chemistry was immediately clear, we also took a step back and went through known deal breakers and red flags with each other. We look back on this fondly as our “interview process.” We have observed that most couples who struggle skip this because of the ‘puppy love’ feelings and then spend years complaining about things they knew but ignored going into the relationship. Of course, people change over time, but a known deal breaker at the start of a relationship is as close of a guarantee of future failure as anything. And I agree with you… not being attracted to the other person would be a serious deal breaker. And for those things that aren’t deal breakers, if the other person is “worth the price of admission” (as Dan Savage would say), then you get over them or work around them. For example, the age-old complaint about toothpaste lids on or off… we just each have our own tube of toothpaste. She doesn’t care what I do with mine, I don’t care what she does with hers, there is never a problem. Silly example, but we have listened to multiple arguments from other couples on just that topic. At least for us, these past 12 years have been almost effortless living together because, in part, of the pragmatic start.
Keeping the toothpaste lid off is an abomination, but separate toothpastes is a good solution.
The fins at the back make it look like a squid: http://rules.fish.wa.gov.au/Species/Index/28 (or Google image result #5)
Re dating, best of luck! Found my gf doing pottery. I figure meeting while doing an activity is a good basis. Says something about the person (people), and establishes common ground.
There’s another towel that was more squid like that I’ll put in my next post.
I’ve been divorced for 10 years. Been dating again for almost 8 years. Even in the age 50+ dating pool, it never surprises me how much misunderstanding and miscommunication happen between two “mature” adults about their plans and expectations. Some folks have given up on romance, and they want just an escort – i.e., someone to go with to movies, dinner, etc. Other folks still want love, romance, affection, intimacy, and the “physical stuff”. If a couple doesn’t mesh on these points, it always seems to become a big problem, and one or both people get hurt.
“There is no democracy in any love relation: only mercy.”
-Gillian Rose
Very good piece. You have a great attitude.
I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
(I second the octopus opinion)
I really like the way you reframe these conversations (it’s ‘us’). And I 100% agree that the chemistry needs to be there at the beginning, with several data points from my own life. It can change, develop , ebb and flow, but it’s gotta be there at the beginning.
I also love the way Dan Savage talks about relationships – even if they only last 1 week, 2 years, or 30 years, every relationship can be a ‘success’; perfect for you in that moment, even if going forward it doesn’t work out.
*internet high five*
*high five back*
Dan Savage is wonderful.
Has being early retired counted against u when meeting someone the first time ?
That’s a good question and I think the answer is yes, unfortunately. People see me as not ambitious and with a radically different lifestyle. It makes it harder to connect to people.
I am in the same position – retired early and enjoying life/travel/meeting people on the way etc… And I do find people have misconceptions like not-ambitious, even lazy but I think it is just simple envy as they say that they would love to be in my position – FREE!
Do you ever worry that it’s not a misconception and you really are lazy? Or is that just me?
Lol, me also! I think for me the answer is sometimes I’m lazy. Sometimes I’m just out of energy, which is not the same thing as lazy. And sometimes I have tons of energy and get a lot done. But even if I am lazy sometimes, back in my employed days I worked a ridiculous amount, to the detriment of having an actual life, and so now if I want to be lazy sometimes, I can be. Though it’s possible I shouldn’t give myself that luxury just yet, since I’m not actually financially independent yet, just somewhat. =)
Lazy is not the same as low energy. I love that and am going to steal the words. I’m just tired and not lazy. I’m out of energy. No more gas.
If you are right then it make 2 lazy people – I am sure you are not!
The great thing is that in my phase of life (and I suspect in your too) I can decide to be lazy in my own time and get up and do something without asking for my boss’s permission etc… That’s what I mean by FREE. Be lazy and do things I like doing..
I’m going to start blaming my low energy. Someone also told me once to “schedule in” lazy time, so it doesn’t feel lazy. Hey, I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing right now!
“There is no democracy in any love relation: only mercy.”
-Gillian Rose
BRILLIANT!!!
She has a book called Love’s Work that I want to read. I agree that saying is brilliant!
Whoa, if a guy calls you arrogant or stuck up for thinking he was hitting on you, that’s a pretty good indication that you don’t want to date him OR be friends with him, IMO! It’s actually a really good indicator that HE is arrogant and stuck up. The same would be true in reverse.
That, my friend, is a ridiculously good point!