Introverts beware of retirement
I’m an introvert. When I had a job and worked weekdays at said job, I remember the glee I felt on Saturdays mornings when I had no plans. I would lay in bed and plot out my nothing of a day. Only alone can I fully recharge and relax and be. That’s the definition of introvert.
So naturally, I thought retirement would be a series of wonderful and recharging days where I could get so much writing and lazing about done.
I didn’t realize that even introverts need people time. Even introverts can feel incomplete without other souls. And there’s most definitely such a thing as too much alone time.
Who knew?
For me, if more than 24 hours pass without seeing another human being, I get antsy and start twitching.
If you’re single and an introvert and thinking about retiring early, maybe think harder.
I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m saying know the pitfalls. You may go a little nutty having nobody to talk to, even if you love it at first. If you don’t have any kids or a significant other and you ditch all your co-workers, suddenly, you don’t have anyone you see every day.
And it can get really fucking lonely.
You really have to make an effort to get out. As an introvert, I struggle with this. Every so often I do an Operation Enjoy the Crap Out of Life and make plans every day. That’s how I maintain my precarious hold on sanity.
Singles beware of retirement
Dating is my kryptonite. Dating as a financially independent woman who doesn’t work is…not that fun.
There are the guys who think I’m lazy and unambitious. You stopped being a lawyer to sleep and write? But you haven’t made any money as a writer, so you’re not successful?
Which may be true. I don’t know.
There are the guys who look at you like you’re the messiah and have it all figured out.
Which I know is not true.
But with each additional detail of my life, they get more and more enamored. You wrote a book? Retired at 33? Have a 4-pack and flat stomach? You walked here? It’s almost a mile! You used to be a flight attendant? You look exactly like your pictures!
The adoration is a bit of a turn off. I don’t want to be anyone’s mother or teacher. It’s so far to fall when you’re on a pedestal.
It’s hard connecting with people. The longer that I’m retired, the harder I find it to connect. I don’t know what that says about retirement or what that says about me.
Dating and finding and maintaining a relationship is the hardest part of my life.
Which just shows that I have an easy life.
Money gives you options. I like being single. I’m used to it and it’s just easier. It’s nice knowing I can take care of myself and that I don’t have to settle for someone I don’t find incredible. I can leave a bad situation fairly easily without entanglement.
But it’s more expensive to live alone. You don’t have someone to share expenses with. Splitting rent would make life easier and possibly better. The idea of making future plans with someone sounds really fun.
So what?
As always, I have no wisdom in this area, but I’m reading old comments and this is the one I wrote this for:
I would appreciate more insights and perspectives of being an FI-single. All but one of the other FI blogs I’ve found are written by people who are married/half of a couple, often with children. I have none of that built in support network/family. I think that’s a unique perspective that you can add to the general conversation, and one that I would greatly appreciate. Even if you offer me no solutions/ideas, it’s still comforting to know that I’m not alone in trying to figure out how to do this as a single person.
You are a good writer. You are a success to me at least
Oh, you’re going to make me cry!
I empathize with you. My situation is different but the emotional impact is similar. I long for companions. Friends are married and I am too but…my son gives me a purpose. I was independent before marriage. Isn’t there something in between? It’s not horrible by any means. My husband is a nice guy. I need more women in my life.
Thanks for the thoughts!
Fellow mostly introverted singleton on the path on FI (although quite a long way away from it) but I’m not angsty to get there. It may be 55 or 60 before I qualify as truly FI – but I’m not worried as long as my Financial worth goes up year on year and I stay away from debt.
I’m eternally single – I was single before I was born. The spermatozoa that created me used to be a monk on an island with no other spermatozoa around.
I’ve nothing to offer advise-wise apart from keep her lit/plugging away. I spend WAY too much time relaxing in my bedroom. I KNOW that I need to get and meet more people – that, for me, is step 1. Be in the same room as people I am attracted to.
Dear Thriftygal
I really enjoy your writing. I’ve been quietly enjoying your posts ever since MMM features you in one of his posts.
I live in Sydney so I enjoyed when you wrote about living here.
I have some suggestions:
1. Find some routine involving other people at least twice a week; a class of some sort, acting, dancing, even maybe a college course or maybe volunteering at a legal aid centre etc.
That way if you meet someone there you will have something in common. This is how I met my husband. It also gives you a good excuse to get together without pressure eg to practice or study or get a coffee after class and it gives you regular people contact.
2. Don’t tell prospective boyfriends or people you don’t know well (including women) you are FI. It’s none of their business.
Tell them you work from home if they ask what you do say consulting investment legal work. No details.
3. Read these books, seriously:
– Mama Genas School of Womanly Arts
-Why men love bitches
Good luck!
Feel free to email me
Thanks for the book recommendations! I like the idea of taking a class and not telling people I’m retired. I have been testing the waters and telling people I’m a writer, but then they ask what I write.
I like that you blame your spermatozoa roots. It takes some of the blame away.
“…The longer that I’m retired, the harder I find it to connect…”
I’ve experienced the same despite not being retired yet and I figured it was because being single and doing my own thing for a long time turned me feral. There might be a common root cause (just being an introvert and growing older?) but at least I lack the wisdom to see it.
My plan A was to try to date a lion tamer as they would be used to the feral part but it’s an uncommon profession and getting more so. My plan B is somewhat vague but in the future if someone asks how we met she would probably say something along the lines of “I just found him sitting there and sort of built my house around him”.
I’m not sure if the last line was supposed to be a joke, but I kind of love it.
“The idea of making future plans with someone sounds really fun”. Start it and you will feel more charm in your life.
That’s definitely what life lacks – charm!
Charm is only with a life partner to whom you can talk and share your thoughts
I’ll agree with that statement. Except maybe the only. There are probably other ways to find charm in life. It’s too good of a word not to use more often.
Wow, we’re very similar this way although I can go more than 24 hours without talking to someone and often to. But I get lonely and antsy after a while too.
I hate to say it but it doesn’t get easier. I’m perpetually single and in my 40’s. And now that I’m financially independent and semi-retired dating has gotten way harder, as if it wasn’t hard already. Like you said either women think I’m a lazy bum or I’m worried they’ll want to be with me for my money. Not that only women do that – men would probably do it too. But I try to be honest with dates and when I tell them “I just saved up a shit-ton of money and I don’t have to work anymore”, I’m sure there are some who would love to take advantage of that. Plus, the Washington D.C. area is mostly filled with career-driven people who long for the big house and 2 expensive SUV’s. I’m basically counter-culture here.
That’s the line I use too! Except I use “bunch” instead of “shit-ton.” I wouldn’t consider my nest egg a shit ton.
Wow. Good post. Never hear of putting retirement, introversion and fireworks together. Very insightful. The big topic today is retiring early – like 30s early. Ever hear of Mr. Money Mustache? I’m a believer. Be sure to keep us up to date regarding the abs. I’m a thin person. While I would love to be real bodybuilder – think Duane Johnson – it ain’t going to happen. However, I still feel six-pack abs could be possible for me.
Well, the fireworks are just because I need pictures in my articles so it’s not just words. And yes, I think I’ve heard of Mr. Money Mustache.
“But it’s more expensive to live alone. You don’t have someone to share expenses with. Splitting rent would make life easier and possibly better. The idea of making future plans with someone sounds really fun.”
If sharing expenses is the only specific idea you can imagine for building a non-platonic relationship with someone, I advise you pause and reconsider.
Haha, I included that bit because it’s a personal finance blog. Kind of. It’s a consideration for early retirement.
Until you find your six-pack-abs partner in crime, I recommend getting a roommate. Roommates are fun and excellent people to split expenses with. 🙂
If the roommate is a good roommate, it’s good, but if a roommate is a bad roommate, it stinks. And it’s impossible to know until you’re already living together.
“It’s nice knowing I can take care of myself and that I don’t have to settle for someone I don’t find incredible.” Freakin’ nailed it… Truer words have never been spoken. All the yes’s
Lots of people quoting the article in the comments. Love it!
Yes! I related to the article and this statement a lot. I’m 28 and dating and maintaining relationships has been the hardest thing for me as well. I’ve read a few books regarding it, specifically “Deeper Dating” and “Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription” which are psychology books that helped me work through my problematic dating patterns and I’ve seen good results. Maybe they will help others in the community.
Thanks for the book recommendations!
I think about this kind of thing a lot, because I’ve read so much about how our social ties affect our well being, health-wise , emotionally, and even financially. My job as a math professor really lets me bounce back and forth between being by myself and getting a bunch of social time, and I’m really glad for that variety. I am financially able to retire, but if I did, I’d have to “resign” instead of “retire” from my job. Officially “retiring” basically means I get to keep not only the money, but ALSO my ties to the college where I’ve worked. And I know myself well enough to know that the social capital side of things is super important to my well being — maybe even more important than the financial capital is. So I’m sticking with my job a few years longer than I need to (financially speaking) so I can get to the point where I get to keep the social and community aspects, too.
Like you, I tend toward being by myself if left to my own devices, but then I start going stir crazy. So I’ve kind of anally engineered my life around structured contact with people. I have a strong church community. I have running buddies I meet with 4 days a week. In the summer, I have a bike riding buddy. I’ve put all these things in my life the way that other people set up retirement accounts — very deliberately, and in a way that they’re kind of now on “auto-pilot”, instead of having to be conscious ongoing choices.
I really love your “Operation Enjoy the Crap out of things”, to the point that I’ve emulated it every once in a while, by the way. But I know myself enough to know that that just wouldn’t be sustainable for me in the long run.
Excellent advice. The idea of setting up relationships in your life like a retirement account is brilliant. And it makes me so happy to hear that you’ve done an Operation Enjoy!
I’ve always appreciated this blog because the single, female FI perspective is so rare. You’re doing the world a huge favor by posting your experience, and I greatly enjoy hearing your voice!
I have a few resources I’ve enjoyed that exist for single people. There are some books, including “Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After” (really any book by Bella DePaulo) and “Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone.” Being single can have advantages, and as someone who has been single most of my life, I understand the appeal of continuing that.
And then for FI blogs, “unconfirmedbachelorette” is another single woman pursuing FI.
Thanks for the book recommendations and the compliment. I can’t decide which makes me happier. 🙂
Seems like you enjoy working out. Why not look to join exercise classes at a local gym or look for other social groups within the hobbies you enjoy. I hear you. I am the same way, although not retired yet. I am 39 next month, single, no kids. With each passing year, it seems that this current reality will more than likely be my future reality. I am ok with that. There are bigger tragedies in life. If we really want someone in our lives, we will put ourselves in a position to find someone. If we don’t put ourselves in those social situations, perhaps we really truly do not want to deal with the complications of relationships. I am a bit jaded (if you can’t tell). I lived in a common law marriage state and nearly had an ex girlfriend leave and take with her half of what I had earned to that point. It was a legal mess of which I ultimately won because I was smart and did my due diligence with respects to financials and records. That experience changed me and I thread much more carefully now. Trust is my biggest hurdle these days in building a lasting meaningful relationship. Now I only look for woman are also successful and at least near my financial standing. Unfortunately, I am finding out that those types of woman (successful ones) don’t need me or don’t want me. So be it. I won’t go down that other path again.
Melancholy and the infinite sadness. But I hear you.
This is one of the most honest blogs I’ve ever read. I’m not a woman, but this still felt like someone had read my own thoughts about being single & early-retired, and wrote them down for me. I will say this, maybe it doesn’t get easier with time, but it does get easier with age. (Does that make sense?) Thanks so much for sharing, Anita.
“It doesn’t get easier with time, but it does get easier with age.”
Wow, I like this. It’s wisdom and experience and not just the passing of time.
Hi Thriftygal, you are very smart I admire how successful you are .maybe you volunteer and work with different programs and mentor young ladies or young men programs. that way you are using the gift god have bless you with.in other words pass it on to help others.Just a suggestion, Tony
Volunteering is a wonderful idea that’s on my list of things to do.
I was going to suggest volunteering as well. This hasn’t always helped me meet people, but it does feel good. With your legal education, consider looking into guest speaking on civics in schools. I recommend checking a local bar association to find out whether they have any programs you could plug into.
Not yet retired, and I’m also more extroverted than introverted, but I am considering staying active in some networking-type organizations after retirement for the social and mental stimulation. My spouse and I have also become pretty active in our condo association and have made a lot of neighbor-friends that way. If you’re living in an apartment, this might work for you, too.
Thanks for the suggestions! It must be nice being friends with your neighbors. I imagine it like the TV show Friends.
Haha, it is nice. I never really thought of it like the show Friends and I’m sure our lives are much less interesting. But, now that you mention it, the random drop bys for drinks or a meal do happen probably once a week or more.
Spontaneous get togethers is one of the qualities of a close friendship.
I don’t usually offer advice in blog comments, but your situation reminds me in many ways of my own (except that I’m not FI and I am married and I’m much older, er, I’ve been around a while. 🙂 )
I used to practice law and had to smile when you mentioned the reactions to your leaving the lawyer life to write! (I mean, what are you thinking? Right? 🙂 ) Well, that’s what I did. And the change feels weird. It’s like you’ve walked away from some kind of exclusive club. And no one understands that you have the need for something else.
The fact that you keep this blog means you are a writer. And a good one, I should add. Keep at it.
Many people talk about writing a book or novel or screenplay. But they never do it.
Finally, your situation is (in some ways) not so different from that of those who retire at the usual age or anywhere between your age and 65. There’s an anxiety that comes with feeling like … you’re no longer part of the conversation taking place in the world. You know. Office chatter. That kind of thing.
The Internet is a halfway decent substitute for that connection, but it isn’t quite the same as being there.
Also, having a purpose is what living is about. Your writing has a purpose, so … take comfort in the fact that you can do that.
You may find this book recommendation strange, and you may have already read it, for all I know, but Viktor Frankl’s book MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING has helped me through some really tough times: https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/0807014273/
I remember being single and lonely (and totally not FI) and that sucked. I hope any of what I’ve said has helped. Even a tiny bit! 🙂
Everything you said has helped. Thanks! I appreciate your words more than I can say.
Glad to hear that! Take care of yourself. 🙂
I agree with Debbi, purpose and meaning is what drives life, especially when you are single and have no kids. What is your purpose on this planet at this time in 2019? Think about the history of civilization and how far it’s come in a relatively short period of time of about 12,000 years or so. Where is the planet and humankind headed? Find your place in it.
The purpose bullet point for a happy life always seems to be the most difficult.
As an introvert who is working toward becoming financially independent, I really appreciate this post. It’s something I wouldn’t have given much thought to, but probably need to think about for my well-being (even though I’m married).
Kind of in line with the suggestion from a previous poster about classes / hobbies, are there any causes for which you might be interested in volunteering? For me, the best relationships have developed when I’ve gotten to know someone over time through a shared activity. It’s nice to get to know someone in a non-dating context first.
One final thought, as someone who lost a parent this year, it has made me realize how quickly life goes by. When we are young we feel like we have all the time in the world to realize our dreams. But life is finite. If one of your dreams is to have a long term relationship and to share your life with someone (possibly get married, maybe have kids), set that ‘incredible’ bar high, but don’t set it so high that you seek perfection. Sadly, none of us on this planet are perfect. As an imperfect person married to another imperfect person, there has been a lot of joy and fun, and there has also been heartache and pain as we navigate life together with different needs and expectations. Learning to navigate the difficult bits together has brought us closer and made our relationship stronger. All of this to say, while it’s not always easy, for me it’s lovely to have an imperfect partner to share life with.
Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good and everyone has a price for admission. I hear ya! Thanks.
Since you like spreadsheets so much, I made one on dating and emailed it to you. Check it out and let me know what you think 🙂
Thanks, I’ll take a look the next time I check my email!
I’ve always found it pricier to live with someone else.- dudes eat more and you still each need your own space.
Honestly, I’ve found myself a lot more social (admittedly months to a year, not much longer) when I’ve been off work/on leave. Maybe it’s Chicago? I lived there for eight years and it always seemed you had to play team sports, watch team sports, or drink a lot to have a social life. Where I live now there are hiking and gardening clubs, free community yoga and community films, free outdoors activities etc.
Just an idea, but perhaps this is an issue of geography or mental health, not ER?? In any case, best of luck figuring it out.
Chicago has a big drinking culture, for sure. But so does Denver and so did Sydney. We live in a drinking world.
I love the Random tree picture. For some reason, it made me laugh. Did you decide to just randomly walk through that neighborhood thinking i need a picture? If so, that’s the freedom I want in life
I was randomly walking through that neighborhood last fall when I saw the tree, it stunned with its beauty, and I took the picture. 🙂 I like your way of thinking, too, and should go explore the next time I need pictures for articles.
I would love to hear more. How do you figure your everyday expenses? (If it’s based on a freelance writing income, I know that can be uneven — out of experience.) How do you deal with food — make more and put it in the freezer, make less, use a certain diet…??
What do you set aside for retirement, investing?
You might enjoy Thrifty Mom in Boise’s blog:
http://thriftymominboise.blogspot.com/
She is a single mom whose oldest is headed off to college in the fall. I find her consistently interesting — but even more, realistic.
I don’t make any money as a freelancer, just from the sales of my book. I buy whatever I want whenever I want. The key is knowing what to want and not wanting that much. I eat big salads for breakfast/lunch and mostly go out for dinner or make some sort of vegetarian protein and veggies. I love roasted veggies.
Damn, I wish I was younger and not married. Maybe I could off my wife it you don’t say anything.
Be that as it may, you do seem to be a fantastic person. It’ll happen. Patience. You’ll find someone.
Thanks for saying that! The part about me finding someone and not about offing your wife. 🙂
I appreciate your blog because you are so honest! After all, all the money thing is just numbers
that need fiddled with. But the real test is the emotional stuff. I am FI but refuse to retire until
I figure out these other issues. Tried volunteering…not for me, maybe others, but not me.
I read The Joy of not Working by Ernie Zelinski which discusses this problem. Part of what he says is we need 1. Structure and routines 2. Community (a sense of belonging) 3. A sense of purpose/ meaning. I recommend the book ! I am still searching.
Thanks for the book recommendation!
Being single and lonely probably sucks even more when you aren’t FI. I’ve been lucky that when i’m home in CT, I live near a bunch of family and friends that I can always pop in and chat with. And when I travel, all the same people I visit tend to text and call me way more often which is nice. But, its not exactly like having that one person you can confide in and be completely yourself. I hope to someday find a woman who wants to wake up and smoke a blunt and have a cup of tea with me before I leave to work and then is there when I get home to chat with and go on adventures in my down time.
I know you don’t like drinking, but when I get really desperate I pop into my local Irish pub when its not busy and just chat with the bartender or people sitting at the bar. It helps that alcohol is an amazing social lubricant, but maybe you can just order food and chat with people.
I’ve also been apart of an online gaming community for years, chatting with some people for over 10 years now online. Earlier this year I visited two of my friends who lived in Texas that i’ve gamed with but never met before. Amazingly hanging out with them was just like hanging out with them if we had been irl friends forever. Maybe you can find a forum or online community to chat with.
Does chatting with people on your blog help at all? If so you could just post more blogs and chat with the people who comment.
I’ll be in Denver in June if you want to meet.
Internet friends helps, but it’s not the same thing. Thanks for commenting.
Thanks for this blog entry on this important topic. Divorced, 61, and a fellow lawyer, I am an introvert feeling the isolation and loneliness of today’s world, Many good friends have died or moved away. Many lawyer colleagues focus now on hourly rates and billable hours instead of service to the clients. Work friendships seem shallow when compared to those of 30 years ago, and romantic relationships are generally short and meaningless. I keep my sanity (sort of) through daily jogging, biweekly trips to my local Barnes and Noble, and long walks and trips with my yellow lab . But hope springs eternal – I’m going to check out the recommendations of Miser Mom, Debbie, and the other posters.
Hope springs eternal! Hope dies last. Hope is very resilient.
Have you ever thought about adopting an older kid? I’m in the Worldschoolers Facebook group and there are many single mothers traveling the world full time with kids. I would love to do that with my kids, but I have a husband who has no interest;)
The phrase worldschoolers is great. I’ve honestly never thought about adopting period.
Thanks for sharing! So insightful! If you’re ever on Toronto…holla!
I’m pretty sure you’re on my “people and places” spreadsheet. 🙂
Interesting article. I am 42 and single, I appreciate who you are and like your way of thinking. Want to date me ?
Please don’t ask me out in the comments. It makes me uncomfortable!
Sorry if that made you uncomfortable, but I was serious ! Hope to meet you one day in person.
I don’t think anyone means to make anyone uncomfortable…unless they’re psychopaths.
Hi Thriftygal, long time reader but first time commenter. Thank you for writing your blog, you ARE a great writer imho, if for no other reason that your honesty and vulnerability are soooo refreshing and compelling 🙂 That post really hit me, because like you I’m a single woman, strong introvert, never married, no kids, and with lots of experience dating (almost always bad, clearly). I’m FI and will RE next month at 48 – the plan, like you, is to use most of my newly free time to indulge my 2 passions, writing and fitness. You already got some excellent tips so I will just add a couple things: 1) it’s not automatically cheaper to be a couple versus single. Yes some things will usually be cheaper (like housing, if shared), but others won’t be (like food, for instance) and if you partner with a spender, well then all bets are off 🙂 so don’t worry about the financial cost of being single. And 2) while I agree with the previous comment that dating doesn’t get easier with age, I have found (strictly personal experience here) that being older helps because I’m less stupid 🙂 I spot the players, the fakes and those looking for a sugar mama much faster now, and I’m also a lot clearer on what matters to me. Yes it’s still mostly hard and awkward and disheartening, but you only need one… So do hang in there, and know that you are NOT alone!!!!! As they say, being alone beats *wanting* to be alone 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to comment and your kind words. I love your last sentence. 🙂
Another regular visitor here, but never commented. This post struck me hard because I too am an introvert who wakes up Saturday mornings without any plan. I mostly spent my entire day researching (day-dreaming?) about how to increase my net worth.
You are a leader. You live by your own set of rules and doesn’t buy into the herd-liking mentality like others. Your willingness to express your doubts and potential downsides of your FIRE journey is rare even among FIRE bloggers.
If you keep dating, sooner or later you will find someone who shares the same values as you.
Thank you for commenting and for your kind words! I used to spend soooo much time researching and daydreaming about how to increase my net worth when I worked, too! Not so much since retirement.
Why not explore writings by Marianne Williamson and check out A Course in Miracles?
Volunteer?
She’s running for president, right? I should read one of her books. I’m not sure about the Miracles, though. Thanks for the suggestion!
I’m also female, single and FI! I wholeheartedly second the suggestion that you try volunteering/mentoring. And I’d add to that joining a board. Try them all, as they all have different benefits. For example, I find mentoring to be a much deeper and more meaningful connection that builds over time than with one-off volunteering, but with volunteering you may meet more people similar to you (fellow volunteers), whereas with mentoring you spend most of your time with your mentee who is probably younger or in a very different place in life. Joining a board is also a longer-term meaningful contribution, and great for connecting with other people who usually have had some degree of professional success and are big-hearted and civic-minded.
I’ve met a lot of wonderful people doing these things, and more importantly, I’ve developed a deeper understanding of my community/city which gives me a sense of rootedness.
Thanks for the suggestions! How do you find these boards and mentorships?
Idealist.org is a good site to find volunteering and mentoring opportunities, as well as organizations that you may want to get to know better and whose boards you may want to later join. I’m also part of a couple of philanthropy circles, which pool donations and then go through a granting process to local non-profits. This has been a good way of getting to see a broad swath of non-profits. I don’t know whereabouts you’re living (I’m in LA), but a couple of great mentoring orgs with national presence are Minds Matter, America Needs You, and YearUp.
Thanks for the information!
I got another job thinking that it would make dating easier and life less lonely. It didn’t. So I wouldn’t hesitate from retiring young for that reason.
I suppose I’d rather be bored and lonely at home than bored and lonely at work. i keep working because I’d like to boost the finances some more, but if I had enough, I wouldn’t hesitate to stop again, or do some sort of volunteer work that is less of a time commitment.
That’s a good point! I wasn’t exactly good at dating when I worked, either. 🙂
Thrifty, I hope you’re reading these first, not some automated gatekeeper; if so, you don’t need to post this–I just wanted to share my thoughts with you directly. I’m 67–retired (you would hope so)–and I’d like to think I have some wisdom to offer someone like you, who is younger, smarter perhaps….Go get your six-pack: hire a coach, join a great serious gym, you’ll meet people (not necessarily meat heads), get a place with a small yard, buy a dog (I have a boxer, Hula–my pal). You are impressive, and it’s too bad guys are ‘amazed by you’–when you’d just like a great guy who digs you. Stop looking and he’ll find you. Keep writing. I love your stuff….and if I was a lot younger, I’d dig you, too.
I think how it works is that if you already have a comment approved, it automatically approves your comments. I think. Thanks for the encouragement.
Have you thought of returning to work but a less intense pressure job. Perhaps that can give you a routine and community. I struggle with this too as I’m 43 single female on the path to FI. I’m almost done but fear isolation.
Yeah, I definitely have thought of that. It’s a possibility I consider often! And you’re right to be cautious.
Thanks for **really** sharing. I’m also introverted, but going through a divorce and have a son, so I definitely hear you about needing to figure out ways to not be alone so much.
I’m still working, but I still make it a point to work in public places where random exchanges can happen (or it I fall or do something stupid I’ll have witnesses and bring some laughter to their lives).
Libraries, Starbucks anywhere with a communal table and WiFi.
For me I still mostly keep to myself and ignore 99% of the things swirling around me, but that 1% of interaction is nice and filling.
I seconds volunteer work (this is a cool site that makes it easy https://www.volunteermatch.org/, and similar https://www.justserve.org/, Habitat for Humanity is also cool if you want to learn about building houses, that might also help with getting a 6-pack).
A semi-regular workout routine also helps.
I like random encounters, so by just putting myself out there physically fun things materialize.
Thanks for the resources and excellent comment. I like the idea of working in a coffee shop, but not the reality. I write best with the door closed.
How about taking language classes? It will help in your travels and I found such classes a good way to make new friends from diverse backgrounds.
That’s a wonderful idea!
I think everyone needs a community of some sort. I attend tai chi classes at a senior center. I also do CrossFit classes 3 days a week. I only see those classmates during class but it is just the right amount of contact weekly. I have time to pursue solo pursuits like reading or quilting. I am married but I would do those things even if I wasn’t married. No matter how old you are a person needs contact and shared interests. And you have to develop a life outside of work no matter how old you are.
All good advice.
Thanks for you honest post! I’ve been perpetually single my whole life (31 now) and I’ve become more calm about it as time passes. I now do volunteer work outside of my main engineering job and have become more involved in civic engagement to connect with others who have common goals for a better world. This really helps keep big picture thinking in my mind instead of ruminating about being single.
Also a lengthy read on “What is an introvert?”: https://riskology.co/what-is-an-introvert/
Thanks for the suggestion. Interesting read!
Ok this is going to be a big problem for me. Please write another article when you’ve figured this all out. Thanks!
In all seriousness though, your honesty is refreshing and these comments and perspectives are all extremely helpful.
If I ever do figure it out, I promise I’ll write another article and tell you!
After I quit my job I felt the same, after a while I realized that I barely have conversations with anyone. I spent my days alone, traveled alone. Ended up volunteering and it was the great, once or twice a week I went to a wildlife animals rescue clinic, yes its about animals but there were other volunteers there as well 🙂
For me it was the perfect balance.
Didn’t figure out the dating part yet, men act weird when they find out the woman in front of them isn’t working by choice, it scares them. Maybe they think ‘i’ll need to pay for anything’ or maybe the other way around ‘she’s too independent’ . This part is frustrating.
A wildlife animal sanctuary sounds like the perfect place! I’m so jealous!
And yes, I agree with you about what men are thinking. I always offer to pay my share, but maybe they think it’s a ruse or something. Idk.
Love your blog! I wanted to comment here to also encourage you to keep focusing on your goals, fun/happiness and let men find you. Sounds like these men you and others mentioned above are insecure or a little creepy lol. If I met a FI woman like you all, I would think that was totally awesome and want to have a cup of java and discuss travels and maybe a future adventurous trip together if there was any chemistry after a couple of dates!
Thanks, Dan! That gives me a lot of hope. I appreciate you commenting. 🙂
Not sure if it’s okay to post a link — so I’m not — but the Guardian has an article about the happiest pop subgroup being never-married women without kids. Headline reads: “Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert.” I didn’t read all the comments here but I think some sort of class or volunteering would be helpful and agree with those suggestions, as dealing with the introversion is an issue and work does provide regular interaction as well as the money (and stress!). As a happily married woman, I would also like to note that in my experience men/dating are kinda overrated. Even my DH, who is intelligent, feminist, good sense of humor, comes from money, generally well-adjusted… so lots of benefits, there are times when it is not worth it. So. Much. Drama. And in the patriarchy we all live in men are very used to being stroked and having their concerns listened to, and very comfortable minimizing “women’s” issues (i.e., yours). And women are used to it … just being easier to let that happen. So sometimes even good guys are a real PITA. True love is about finding someone whose faults you can live with, sort of like a roommate situation – and it is work, and partly luck, just like any other roommate situation. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not because that will set you up for disappointment. However I will say that social support and close ties with people is super important for all sorts of wellbeing indices which is why I support class/volunteering as a structured way for you to interact more, as much as you are comfortable with. And learn fun stuff! (FWIW, I am a psychologist, but not a therapist type.)
I think it’s okay to publish a link, but not more than one link? I’m not sure how the spam thing works exactly.
I found the article here. Thanks for the read. I’m going to put the book they mention on my list to read. 🙂
I like this quote:
“if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”
I relate. I’m a 38-year-old FI woman. I’m actually still working, and married, but I still experience parts of this. My partner is both socially phobic and has an extreme sleep disorder, so during times I’m not working, I can get pretty isolated, being alone until about 2 p.m. while he’s asleep and then just with him after that. It’s a lot of work to generate social activity that’s not based on employment, school, or the people who live in your house. Over the past year I’ve really been looking for social or volunteer opportunities that take place during the mornings/early afternoons and there is…not a lot? Last summer was pretty lonely for me, and I’m kind of dreading the summer that’s about to start. I may get desperate next year and just look for a summer job, even though I don’t need the money, for the consistent social contact.
That sounds rough. You’re in a relationship, but still feel really lonely. I’m sorry.
Same here. I would say that this must be fairly common.
Why stay?
Thanks for the insight! I often wonder if my husband and I will have enough friend connections after reaching FI. We’ve had several vacations over the last 4 years with just the two of us, and we’ve found that by day 3 or 4, we wish we had other friends with us.
I guess just know that even if you do have a significant other to share life with, it doesn’t always stop you from being a bit lonely. I think we all need a good friend network.
The grass isn’t as green as it looks!
This is the thing that scares the crap out of me the most about my impending retirement. Thanks for the great post!
The loneliness is real