A friend of mine — his name is Dan and he is not imaginary — explained to me his theory on finding a mate recently. He approached it as a logic game more than luck. Everyone, including yourself, carries a number from 1 to 100. The goal of the game is to get together with the highest number possible. There are basically three ways to do this.
How to play/win the mate logic game
- Raise your own number.
- Go out and meet a bunch of people to maximize the numbers you see.
- Settle for a lower number.
1. Raise your own number.
I love this piece because what’s not to love about it? Okay, there’s the obvious way of working out to look better, but I think it’s much bigger than that. Judge Judy told me in her book that I should “create an interesting person….A substantial person will seek out a substantial mate. If you have nothing to offer, chances are you will attract a whole lot of nothing.”
We see this a great deal on her show.
But I do agree with her advice. Define yourself. Don’t let other people define you. Understand yourself. Know your worth. Learning what you enjoy, figuring out what you’re good at, testing ideas and limits — that’s the entire point of it all. When you look back on your life, will you be entertained by the story? Make yourself interesting to yourself.
As an added bonus, it will make you more appealing to potential suitors.
I’ve been slowly increasing my number over the years. I still have a way to go, but that’s okay. It’s the journey. As long as life is getting better, I’m not bothered with the pace.
2. Go out and meet a bunch of people to maximize the numbers you see.
This piece rocks too. It’s basically Operation Enjoy the Crap Out of Life. Go out and do things! Interact with the world and the people that exist in the world. You won’t find your significant other sitting in your living room. Unless you’re already married and they’re hanging out in the living room with you. Quit bragging.
This ties in with number one. Explore what you think you may like. While you’re doing those things, talk to people. Make friends. Make close friends. Maybe you’ll find someone you want to date.
I’m actually pretty good at this one too. The problem, for me, has never been meeting people.
3. Settle for a lower number.
Number one and two are how you play the mating logic game. Number three is how you win it. Realize that nobody is perfect and finding that magical 100 number is a myth.
Dan suggested thinking of attraction as a 10-point scale. Anything below five will never work. Anything above eight will probably work without any effort. If the number you assign is between a five and an eight, the potential for growth is there. A good personality can bump someone up a couple of points just like a rotten personality can yank someone down a couple of points.
The appeal, to me, of Dan’s logic game is that I can maybe control every part of it. Here’s a list I made of why I trust Dan’s advice.
Why I trust Dan’s advice
- He’s been in one of the happiest relationships I’ve seen for as long as I’ve known him (nearly seven years) culminating in a fun wedding recently.
- Dan retired three years ago, at the age of 29 to travel the world with his honey, hike the Appalachian trail, and just generally enjoy life.
- He doesn’t drink (much) alcohol, but still seems to have fun. I want to be a teetotaler one day.
- I agree with him on pretty much everything. Especially when it comes to marveling at people’s money habits.
One more piece of Dan’s advice leapt out to me. Consider what needs you can meet outside of the relationship. What are you looking for in a partner that a close friend couldn’t give you? You can’t expect one person to be everything for you. That’s really dangerous if you lose that person and that’s really exhausting if you are that person.
Find someone who you don’t get tired of hanging out with, who falls within the appropriate numbers range and who fulfills the relationship reasons you’re seeking and you’re golden. Sounds easy enough. After that I’ll fix climate change and open that salsa jar.
The relationship advice you guys email me makes me giddy. I love hearing from people who are happily coupled. It’s comforting to know it’s possible even if it often feels unattainable. There is so much knowledge in my inbox and I feel close! That’s a lie. But at least it’s a happy lie.
I still think I’m doing pretty well on “Operation Don’t Die Alone” despite the fact that I haven’t actually been doing any real dating or replying to inquiries. The smiley faces on my resolutions chart placate me. Hey, research is a fun and necessary step – talking to friends who seem content in their relationships, reading a lot of books, writing about and parsing the information; I even did some quizzes. I don’t mean to taunt the universe, but I’m optimistic.
In the meantime, I’m happy and I’m busy. I’m writing a nonfiction book and plotting a fiction novel for NaNoWriMo. Mom is teaching me to cook when I see her. My travel bug is chubby. Operation Enjoy the Crap Out of Life takes up a lot of time. Much of the day, I’m engrossed in reading something. And, of course, the research continues.
Do you think this article is too long to print and hand out to all my aunt’s friends who ask me why I’m not married at my cousin’s wedding next month?