Have you read The Book of Joy? I think about this book regularly. The authors discuss eight different components to finding joy. Four pillars for the mind and four pillars for the heart. I find myself trying to list all the pillars when I’m not feeling joyful.
I think I’m really good at some of the pillars. The head pillars. The heart pillars are harder.
Heart Pillars of Joy
Forgiveness
Gratitude
Compassion
Generosity
Head Pillars of Joy
Humility
Perspective
Humor
Acceptance
What I’ve got down pretty well, I think (of the eight pillars), from most down to not at all down.
Humility
There’s the pillar of humility. You are not god. Be humble and you’ll be joyful.
I definitely have this pillar down as I am a very humble person. Does saying that negate my humility?
I do occasionally worry that what I perceive as humility is just low self esteem. Like, I have no idea what I’m doing and I realize that I’m just a tiny, insignificant cog and, given enough time, absolutely nothing really matters.
Maybe that’s not the correct way to interpret humility.
Don’t brag? Do I ever brag? Probably.
This pillar is good for when I am embarrassed. Nothing matters. Nobody is paying that much attention to you.
Perspective
There’s the pillar of perspective. Look at it another way, from another angle. There’s always more than one. Have some perspective and you’ll be joyful.
I have to credit meditation for my grasp of this pillar. Twenty-four minutes a day, I’m reminding myself that I am not the voice inside my head.
Take yourself out of the moment and observe it objectively. If you’re the subject, become the object. We can look at things however we want. That’s our superpower.
Humor
There’s the pillar of humor. Make life fun and funny and you’ll be joyful.
You have to have your community to have this pillar, I think. Not everyone’s humor is the same as everyone else’s humor. If you can find your tribe that thinks you’re funny and also makes you laugh, that’s happiness.
Gratitude
There’s the pillar of gratitude. Be thankful for what the universe has loaned you and you’ll be joyful.
Ever since I started thanking my possessions after using them, I’ve felt a lot more grateful. At least once a day, I realize how lucky I am to live this life.
I also use passwords to remind me.
Computer PW hint: How do you feel?
Computer PW: sosolucky
I embrace the gratitude every time I wake my computer from sleep mode.
At least, I used to. I’ve changed that password since telling you, of course.
Generosity
There’s the pillar of generosity. Give to others and you’ll be joyful.
I struggle with this pillar. I have another post I’m working on dedicated to how I’m quantifying this nebulous life bucket list item. I’d like to be generous.
Acceptance
There’s the pillar of acceptance. I think this goes hand in hand with the stoics view of control. Focus on the things you have complete control over and the things that you have some control over and don’t focus on the things you have zero control over.
Accept that there are things you cannot have or do or be. Everyone has limits.
I’m not a religious person, but I do occasionally mutter the serenity prayer to myself.
Lord, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
This pillar is difficult for me. I get sad sometimes that I can’t live all the lives. I can’t be a fighter pilot and an astronaut and a writer and the queen of England. It’s not possible to set up shop in Sydney and Denver and Chicago and New York and study the penguins in Antarctica. There aren’t enough hours.
You have to choose. And choosing inevitably closes doors for you forever. Accept that and enjoy the choice you did make and you’ll be joyful.
Compassion
There’s the pillar of compassion. Think about other people and feel empathy and you’ll be joyful.
I struggle with this component of joy, so much so that I don’t have anything else to say about it. I’m working on it. I’ve been trying to write this section for over a year.
Forgiveness
There’s the pillar of forgiveness. Don’t hold grudges.
This is another component that I don’t really understand.
How do you practice forgiveness? I’m genuinely asking here.
Love this post. Also love your intimate writing style in general.
I feel like I could spend a day talking with you about these topics and still not finish the conversation.
In the interest of brevity, just two notes on the ones you struggle most with:
Compassion: In a book I’m currently reading the author says you can’t be compassionate while you are in pain yourself. If you suffering from some kind of chronic mental anguish/condition, don’t beat yourself up if you think you have been self-centred. Having a low grade tooth ache focuses your attention on your mouth and not on others. For me developing myself will enable me to be more compassionate, both in attitude and in practical acts – but I’ve had that toothache (low grade) a long time.
Forgiveness- I found it useful to remember that the person who hurt you is just another wounded, suffering person following some messed up thinking/habits of their own – just trying to cope in this world. Judge the behaviour, not the person. I think forgiveness includes forgiving yourself for being a dick sometimes – we are all only human after all.
Health is a crown only the sick can see.
Good review of the situation of the person hurting….but it is very difficult to forget the wound….takes a lot of effort..
Love your blog, almost always makes me think about how awesome life is and to focus on the important stuff! You are generous to be sharing your time and self in this way! thank you! Compassion must come from self love, as the song says, it is the greatest love of all, as well as the most challenging to sustain. Forgiveness, that is a tough one, you must start from a somewhat selfish place, for when we hold onto hurt caused by someone/something, we only continue to give power to that person/event. Living well is truly the best revenge, though that certainly doesn’t sound very forgiving now that i type it. Hope it helps a little! Keep fighting the good fight and know you are not alone!
Is forgiving the same thing as moving on and forgetting?
> How do you practice forgiveness? I’m genuinely asking here.
That’s the one I struggle the most with as well. Forgiving small things is easy, but deep cuts take a special kind of strength. I tend to feel some guilt alongside forgiveness (often; not for all cases). Maybe forgiving ourselves of that guilt is a step to make forgiving others easier.
I’m right there with you for acceptance being tough. It’s a constant battle between striving for better things and accepting what you get or how far you go. I have a feeling practicing some of the others on this list makes that easier.
I wonder if it’s one of those things that get easier with time.
My perspective on this is that forgiveness means letting go of your anger, and especially the need to get ‘revenge’ or get ‘even.’ I don’t necessarily think it even has to do with the other person, per se, it’s more about your own willingness to set down the mantle you are carrying and make peace with the fact that something bad happened to you. I see no contradiction in having an understanding and an acceptance that something bad did happen to me (for example) without wishing ill on those that caused it to happen. I guess you could say I’ve forgiven those that have harmed me. I don’t necessarily believe in the “forget” aspect of it, but that’s just because it’s basically impossible to forget something on purpose, especially if it was a significant moment in your life and/or if it had a permanent impact on you physically.
It is impossible to forget something on purpose. Interesting.
Nice, this is a my second favorite book of those I’ve read from your recommendations. I like the morning meditation exercise close to the end, “what is your heart’s desire”? that one speaks to me.
As for forgiveness, I don’t remember it exactly, but the toughest ~forgiveness lesson in the book is where you imagine someone you envy/hate and then congratulate them and imagine the pride they must feel and the sacrifices they made to get where they are.
It is pretty hard to do xD, or is that gratitude? hmm..
Good memory of the book. I’m impressed.
What’s your first first book I’ve recommended?
The title starts with the letter “T”. That should give it away. Also, I’m not sure if you recommended it or it was recommended in a book you recommended. Ok, it’s The Guide to the Good Life. I’m on my third time through that one, but I skip the history parts.
Yeah, the beginning was really boring.
Thriftygal, your willingness to be so open and honest with your shortcomings is so refreshing and commendable. Thank you. I haven’t read that book, but now I’ll add it to my list as feeling joyful definitely doesn’t come naturally to me either. Re forgiveness, to me this is more about whether you believe everyone is redeemable, or do you believe there are people who are truly evil and will always take advantage of you no matter how many chances you give them? I must admit, I belong to the 2nd camp. I’m also not religious, which probably doesn’t help. I remember watching some of the family members of the victims of the Charleston church massacre saying they forgave Dylann Roof. I hope those people did and still do find comfort in their forgiveness – they so deserve it. I don’t think that could ever be me, regardless of how much of a miserable life Roof himself had suffered that led him to this point. I’m not proud of it.
That’s what I struggle with too. If someone did something horrendous, I see little value in forgiveness. That’s my problem.
I don’t think forgiveness = saying what they did was OK. I just think it’s letting go of the anger you are carrying as a result of that thing they did. To me it sounds like ‘what you did was wrong, but I’m not going to walk around mad about it for the rest of my life, so I forgive you and plan on moving on.’ I don’t think the other person even needs to be present for that conversation.
I appreciate your comments. Wise.
I’m thinking of trying out the 5 minute Journal. Have you heard of it? It might help with some of these pillars we struggle with.
I haven’t! Is that a book?
It’s a journal book you write in 🙂
https://www.intelligentchange.com/products/the-five-minute-journal
It has exercises for the morning and evening.
Oh, I have heard of this before! Sounds intriguing.
Maybe the Queen of England is sad that she never got to be a blogger? :p Or a flight attendant? Or to even cook anything for herself?
She probably didn’t any choice at all on what she’d do with her life, actually.
That’s an excellent point too!
The prefix com- means “with” or “together.” And the word passion comes from the Latin word “passio,” meaning “to suffer.” Therefore compassion is literally “to suffer with.” So find someone who is suffering (hint: that’s everyone) and join with them in their suffering. Suffer in the same way that they suffer. Walk that road of suffering together. That’s compassion.
Good explanation!
I always enjoy reading your blog and the book recommendations!
First ever comment to throw my two cents in on forgiveness. I have thought about this one a TON as I made a choice over the past two years to forgive a loved one who caused a serious loss for me. I thought of it primarily in a practical perspective…
Option 1: I could choose to hold on to my anger and resentment toward this person. This option led to me being angry and bitter and that sucked for me.
Option 2: I could recognize that what this person did was not fair to me and I suffered for it. There was nothing I could do to change the outcome of this at this point. I definitely didn’t forget it. But I could choose to forgive the stupidity of this person, and let go of the anger and resentment I felt. That way I could carry on and come to some interior peace rather than spending my days being angry and hating this person. This led to a much more enjoyable and less angry life for me!
I made this decision two years ago and it changed my life for the better for sure! For me, forgiveness was a practical decision as to what was in my own best interest. The anger I felt was preventing me from being able to return to feeling a sense of peace in myself. So even if the person didn’t deserve forgiveness, it was in my own best interest to do it.
I still feel sad and sometimes angry when I think of what happened. In my experience forgiveness is definitely not forgetting. Obviously if there was something I could change I would have. But at that point, what was done was done and all I could do was accept it, and then not let this external event determine my own happiness and peace.
Those are my very long thoughts.
I wonder if another pillar of joy could be purpose? To me personally it seemed like recognizing a purpose / sense of meaning for my life helped when things were crappy. Maybe this falls under the “perspective” one sort of.
Wow, thanks for this thorough and insightful, thoughtful comment. I also agree with you about purpose being a pillar of joy. I should tell the dalai lama that.
Hi
The moment you try to be more of anything, you’re unconcsciusly telling yourself that you’re not that.That’s not gonna help you in anyway.
You don’t have to be any of these qualities. All you need to do is ‘just be’
If you can accept everything, right now in the present moment you’ll naturally fall into a state of bliss. The voice inside your head will stop as it only ever thinks about past and future and your heart space will open.
Have you read The Power of Now? You sound like that guy.
No I haven’t read it