For someone who thrives with external accountability and who also brandishes a touch of depression, I found it disconcertingly easy to sink into a hole when my days boasted no structure.
Oh, if I don’t make plans, nobody will actually notice if I don’t get out of bed.
That’s the downside of retirement.
I’m not disappointing anyone, so it’s easy to stop trying for a bit. Especially if there’s snow.
Late last year, I found myself writing embarrassing emo journal entries like this:
December 28, 2018
It’s not anxiety, exactly. It’s a sadness so deep, I can feel it in each heartbeat. No matter how much attention I draw to my breath, the heart continues to weep. It’s exhausted.
I’m tired and I don’t want to play anymore. But I don’t get to decide when I’m doing playing. I’ve learned to just live with the woe and wave shiny objects at my face to distract me from my heart’s laments.
School! Work! New habits! Lists! Boy! Social! Travel! Write! Do! Accomplish! Finish!
You know, live a life that’s full of intention.
God, that sounds exhausting. I’m so tired.
My default is sad. Unless I’m constantly distracting myself, my mind slinks down into darkness. I’m bad at everything. Even hyperbole.*
My mom noticed my doldrums and suggested that I look for a part-time job.
She knows me.
I’m an obliger and do wonders with living up to other people’s expectations. When a parent or a teacher or a professor or a boss tells me what to do, I do it. I’m easily led and I aim to please. You betcha.
But as a retired grown-up, I didn’t have anyone telling me what to do. Drifting malaise resulted.
I needed accountability.
So, in January 2019, I followed my mother’s advice and found a part-time job to whittle away the time before death.
Since I don’t really care about money, I was extremely picky about what job I took.
Flexibility
First, I wanted to wake up whenever I wanted. This demand was non negotiable. I wanted to preserve my freedom and be able to set my own schedule. Sleep is so important and I love smirking at my alarm clock.
Check.
The job I started in January is permissively (almost scandalously) flexible. I have to track my time and submit it via spreadsheet to the CEO each week, but those hours occur whenever I want and there are no hard minimums.
Involve writing
Second, I wanted my job to involve some sort of writing because I love writing. It’s my jam.
Check again.
This gig is almost all writing with the easy majority of my spreadsheet hours spent scribbling away. I come into the office and I write about whatever is making life better and whatever is making life worse and whatever else I feel like writing about. It’s great.
My title is Featured Writer. Here’s the employment letter.
Employment letter
January 2019
From: The Power of Publishing LLC
To: Anita Dhake
Dear Anita,
We are excited to offer you employment with The Power of Publishing LLC (the “Company” or “we”).
Duties
As the Featured Writer, your primary duty is to write. We will expect you to spend, on average, 20 hours a week on writing.
You will record those twenty hours with diligence in an excel spreadsheet. You will spend at least an hour at the desk we’ve set up for you for some face time. Come into the office and hang out with us.
You will write, on average, 8,000+ words a month with the expectation of a finished 50,000-100,000 word product by the end of the twelfth month.
Your secondary duty also involves writing insofar as you will write the agendas for the board and committee meetings, keep the minutes for the board and committee meetings, and then create an Action Items List from those same board and committee meetings. From time to time, you may be asked to help with some of the action items.
Compensation
At the end of the twelve-month trial period, the Company will evaluate your work. If you have a book-length book in an order we don’t hate, we’ll consider reimbursing your living expenses for the year 2019. We will also donate an extra 10% of those expenses to a charity of your choice.
We look forward to working with you.
Anita Dhake
CEO
The Power of Publishing LLC
Accountability
My third and final nonnegotiable request of the part-time job was that it provided some sort of accountability. I’m tired of drifting.
Yeah, that was the tricky part.
As you can see from this letter, the CEO looks at my hours and my word counts and gives me the pep talks. She hands out the gold stars.
Unfortunately, I’m the CEO and I’m soft and ill suited for the job. If the Featured Writer doesn’t feel like writing, I’m not going to make her. Most of the time she hits her twenty hours, but the weeks she doesn’t, I just shrug.
So, I needed another tactic for my accountability. My obliger self needed public expectations to live up to.
I’ve started putting my resolutions chart on my blog. It helps thinking you’re judging how I’m spending my time. (Even if you’re not). And that I’m impressing you with my “grades.” (Even if I’m not).
Play along at home
You can play along on your own resolutions chart if you want. This is literally my definition of fun, but I may be the outlier.
What would be your ideal part-time job? Write an employment letter for yourself.
* My journal entry in December was a time when my medication wasn’t working and before I started taking a supplement. I went to a doctor who tweaked my dosage and it worked. Thanks to my health insurance, I can do that pretty easily. Thank you, God of large favors. These days I’m feeling much better.
Have you tried CBD full spectrum oil for anxiety??
I don’t really have anxiety, I don’t think. I have tried CBD. It doesn’t do much for me.
The writing sounds fun since I do that too. But he board and committee meetings? Not so much… 🙂
Those definitely aren’t as fun.
Hi Anita,
Thanks for another highly entertaining and insightful article. You rarely fail to make me laugh and give me something worth chewing on to apply for my own retirment. I’ve been retired early, if you call 48 early, for 2 years and have struggled with some of the same challenges. Luckily no depression, but the lack of structure and external pressure is tough to adapt to after a 30 year career in the Army where 50 hours of my week were scaffold with meetings, deadlines, and daily expectations. Thank you for giving me another great idea to put in the ruck sack.
48 is definitely early in my book. I imagine the army is full of obligers. You’d have to be to take orders with ease.
I had a hard time being my own CEO because I was too soft too. It got better when I decided to be morally corrput and resort to outright bribery. For every one hour of chores I do I quietly slip myself $1 from my savings account to the “buy stupid stuff no questions asked” account. I think the acconutant knows but can’t be bothered doing the paperwork unless I slip him $1 too.
Can we think of it as bonuses and not bribery?
I love this and I’m going to steal it. I see a university hiring me – summers off (hello Chautauqua Lake rental house), a month for winter break, a week for fall break and spring break, but during the semesters I’ll be required to work a good 15 hours per week. Interesting and diverse topics, of course, and nothing before 10 AM.
What a fabulous life that sounds like! I’d accept that job offer.
Anita, I think you’ve found your true calling; I wish I could write as honestly as you do.
It does feel a little like my calling. Thanks.
Thank you for having the courage to admit that retirement did not cure your depression. Thank you also for sharing your journal entry. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling much better and that you were able to get the medical attention you needed.
Hiring yourself as a Featured Writer was a brilliant plan. Do you ever visit a local cafe to write? In those times where I haven’t been chained to a desk all day, I loved breaking up the routine in a cafe where I could people watch a bit, work a bit, and enjoy a fancier cup of coffee or tea than I might make at home. It’s one of the things I hope to do in my own early retirement.
I’ve gone once or twice, but I actually don’t like drinking coffee or tea. I go to the library more than coffee shops to write. People-watching there too. 🙂
Ha, yes. Libraries can be great places to write and people watch. I’m a hardcore coffee junkie, so to me a cafe smells heavenly and feels cozy. I respect that it might not be so for everyone.
Also, I love how you respond to comments! Reading the comments and your responses is one of the things that makes your blog special.
You’re too sweet.
One day I want to try working at a co-working space. I could see that being fun and there are a ton within walking distance.
You’re on the right track I feel in getting a part-time job. You are simply too young and too intellectual to lead a life of idle.
Thanks. I don’t feel intellectual, but thanks.
My boss is much more demanding. In addition the writing, there’s play time with the kids, joggin on a regular basis, procuring high-quality beers, enjoying said beers, etc… the list goes on and on!
I’m glad to hear you got out of your funk; you sounded beyond miserable and I’m glad you sought professional help.
Best,
-PoF
Sounds like a lovely life! Thanks for commenting. 🙂
I love this idea Anita – as I’ve realised I am very externally motivated – probably all those years in consultancy of “when do you need it for”…. nowadays I’m trying to move more internal.
Tell me if you figure out how to move it internally.
My kids and I don’t do well without structure. Even in retirement I would need a schedule and calendar. Now with every minute planned but a couple big things each day.
Wait, does this mean you are writing a book? I’m kind of dense so I misunderstand a lot. But if you are writing a book, I eagerly await the result. I hope that writing company will hold you accountable and on task. You Rock!
Thanks! I am working on my second book, but most of it is not very good yet. I’m giving myself until next May to get it good and hopefully this publishing company WILL keep me on task. Thanks for the comment! Comments make my day. 🙂
I remember coming across your interview with MMM on a semi-recent read-through and checking out your blog, and I came back today to see how you’ve been doing. I think this is a good project – we all need a purpose, either before or after FI. Writing a book-length project is a good one – it’s a grind but one with real, measurable progress, and comes with a good sense of accomplishment once finished. Good luck with it and enjoy the process!
I appreciate you coming back! Normally when I leave a blog or site, I forget that it exists immediately afterwards.