This revelation may surprise you. Based on my emails and comments, I get the impression that you all think of me as a cheery, breezy, funny, high-spirited, thrifty, gal who you are secretly (and not so secretly) falling in love with and, while I’m loathe to dispel that myth, I have to dispel that myth. A bit. A wee bit.
*Deep breath*
In actuality, dear reader, I suffer from fairly severe clinical depression. This entrenched sadness, I call her Precious, lives in the center of my bones, in my deoxyribonucleic acid, in the chemicals in my brain and is as much a part of my sense of self as my financial acumen, my wit, my height. Precious is a big part of the reason I went for early retirement and why I spend so much of my time contemplating happiness and how to achieve it. I yearn to feel some semblance of control.
Found in Sofia, Bulgaria
I think I’m succeeding now, but it wasn’t always this way. I tumbled into depression when I first garnered the ability to think. With every birthday candle blown, every shooting star located, every coin thrown into a designated water spot, I used my wishes only to beg the universe for a coffin in the ground, to push the fast-forward button on my life, to stop feeling so freaking empty.
For the most part, I won the childhood lottery. I popped out into a stable country in a stable time period, born to loving and kind parents who only cherished and supported me, two older sisters who served as playmates, teachers and protectors and a gaggle of close extended family nearby. I never experienced food insecurity or worried about keeping a happy place to lay my head at night. I was shy, but I made friends without much effort. I earned good grades easily enough. I was physically healthy. I wanted for nothing.
Except death.
It hurt to breathe. I would wake up in the morning devastated that I had to live another day. I felt exhausted all the time by the effort to pretend that I didn’t despise existence. I thought the world was cruel and unfair and everything felt wrong. I had no idea where these feelings came from, but I desperately wanted oblivion.
Found in Oslo
I now understand that those feelings aren’t normal for anyone to have, much less a 5-year-old. I didn’t know how to handle life and time only seemed to make it worse. 21-year-old Thriftygal thudded painfully and finally onto rock bottom with an involuntary stay in the crazy bin. That is my deepest secret.
I have been climbing the stairs up ever since. I’m not saying that I’ve beaten this thing because that would imply that I was done with the journey. There are still stairs to climb and views to appreciate, but now I can easily say that I’m happy more days than I’m unhappy and that each year I rotate around the sun, I feel better and better.
I wish I could talk to Tween-Thriftygal and give her these tips because I read her diaries and cringe and cry and marvel at how different I feel. I’m still learning, but here’s what has helped me and if you’re suffering, maybe it can help you too.
Tip 1: Medication. Depression is a disease. It’s a sickness, an illness, a wrinkle in the makeup of my cells. Science theorizes that the neurotransmitters in my brain don’t have enough receptors to create the necessary hormones for positive emotions. Or something. I really don’t understand it.
What I do understand is that when I’m taking my medication, I feel better. I’m not as emotional. I don’t think about death or dwell on the injustices or despair at the meaninglessness. Stuff is fun. I look forward to things. It’s easier to cross tasks off my to-do lists. Hell, when I’m not on the medication, it’s a struggle to even make the lists, much less cross items off them.
Also in Oslo
When I’m on the medication, life doesn’t seem as hard or as draining. I’m not sure any of these other tips would even be possible without my sertraline. I want to sit down with my past self and tell her it will take a few tries, but you’ll find a medication that works eventually. You’ll love your life one day. I know you don’t believe me. You will. I promise.
Tip 2: Resolutions Chart. This is kind of my master list and how I steer the ship of my life. I’ve written about this chart before and I truly love it. This chart is my entertainment, my reason for waking and my buddy. I pilfered the idea from Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project”, but Benjamin Franklin did something similar back in the day. Just another reminder that everything has been done before.
“Take pills” is always on the list. But I also include any actions I want to make habits, any current operation I’m working on, reminders, etc. I tend to have about ten or so ongoing resolutions a month, but I’m changing them up constantly. Here is a teeny smattering of some of the items I’ve used for my chart.
Occasional resolutions for my chart
- Make a to-do list
- Do some sort of physical activity, you lazy slob
- Take a picture and put it on the Instagram*
- Write for 2 hours
- Floss
- Tackle a nagging task
- Avoid time wasters
- Read
- Wear lotion
- Wear sunscreen
- Practice the evening tidy up, you lazy slob
- Operation NYC, Yeah You Know Me
- Be generous
- Avoid stats
- Check stats
- Tackle a nagging task
- Stop calling yourself a lazy slob
- Wear makeup
- Work on the blog for 10 minutes
- Meditate
This list is much, much longer, but you get the picture.
Tip 3: Therapy. I have been in therapy periodically throughout the years. When life gets particularly tough, it’s a good gut check to speak to someone unbiased who can call me out on my wallowing bullshit. I’m highly critical of myself and sometimes I find it hard to disbelieve Precious when she tells me that I’m not enough. When a big life change happens, good or bad, it can still feel overwhelming and therapy brings good perspective for me.
My family and my friends are so unbelievably amazing that I have trouble accepting their assurance. It’s also a relief to voice the dark thoughts without fear of freaking someone I love out.
Tip 4: Futureme.org. I’ve mentioned this website before in the context of reminding yourself of your progress with your financial goals, but I also consider this website a cheap form of therapy. I use a calendar reminder as a prompt to send my future self an email every few weeks. I love getting emails from the past.
Happy horse in Iceland!
Some of the emails are happy and upbeat. Some of the emails are mourning dead relationships. Some of the emails are casual chitchat that make me giggle. It’s a good reminder that life is a tapestry of emotion and what I’m feeling at this particular moment is not forever. I appreciate the highs so much because I’m so very acutely aware of the lows.
Tip 5: Retirement. I know, easier said than done, eh? But, it’s worth the effort. You guys, I feel like my life is mine and only mine. I feel in control. At least, as in control as it’s possible to be. I’m not beholden to a boss who swears at me; work I find meaningless; stretches of boredom; tiring my body and my mind to enrich someone else. I don’t have to wake up earlier than my exhaustion feels like waking up. I can tailor my energy level to my activity.
I fill my days with the things I love to do. I get to travel and explore. I can read as late as I want. I meet up with old friends and share a bit of their recent lives. I make new friends and delight in the reassurance that, yes, bad things happen, but people are mostly good. I write out the thoughts that swirl around my brain and I receive so much positive, uplifting feedback that a permanent smile and blush now adorn my face. There is almost always a kind, thoughtful email or comment awaiting me when I login.
It worked, dear readers. I’m shocked, but also jubilant. It’s working. It took me a long time to decide to publish this article, but I’ve read this comic strip more times than I can count and it has helped me so much. You all have brought me so much happiness with your love that I wanted to give something back. I know it’s shocking that this smiling person in front of you has (had?) such a dark passenger inside, but that’s the beauty. If I can do this, anyone can do this. I am actually grateful for Precious now. Without her, I’m not sure I’d be where I am today.
*You can follow me on the Instagram if you’d like.
Thanks for being honest! The internet needs more honesty and less Photoshopped fake happiness. I have a book that I think might help you – without sounding creepy, could I get your mailing address?
What a powerful, honest post. It really took some courage to put yourself out there like that. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I’m constantly inspired by you!
Honestly, I guess I had a crush on you and you were my superhero. You still are. How brave of you to share something so personal in your life.
I don’t think I’ve ever suffered depression to the depths you have, but here are two things that bring me daily joy: Exercise–somehow it just gets me going, picks me up. #2 My dogs. I have a golden retriever and a blond lab. I don’t know what it is, and it kind of makes me sick thinking about it, but I love these animals more than I love a human. These are my second and third dogs and I never would have thought they could bring so much joy in my life. Also, I’m vegan (well for the most part anyway) and I think one of the byproducts (I did it initially for health) is that I have a clean conscience. IOW, I’m not partaking in the suffering of animals for my gustatory pleasure.
Anyway, probably too long an answer, but thank you for your sharing your soul.
What a brave post, miss you girl!
Love,
Janan
Yes. Sometimes it hurts to breathe.
Hugs and kittens.
S.
xxoo
I still love you and you only have to say the word and I’d leave my wife and some of my girlfriends for you…
You have shown a lot of guts (or whatever guts are in American) by writing this. It’s good to know that people we hold in high esteem and on a different level to us can have the same challenges as us and in your case what sounds like much tougher challenges than many people have faced.
Virtually all my friends suffered depression and been on medication at various times. I thought it would never happen to me and about 12 months ago started to get pretty depressed. I refused to take medication because I’m concerned about the effectiveness (vs placebo), becoming drug reliant and it being a sticking plaster (band aid) rather than a solution to the problem.
What I have done is:
1) Take supplements – krill oil (like fish oil or some other veg acceptable omega 3’s for you), vitamin D (large dose all year around), Vitamin K (essential if you take vitamin D), Zinc and Magnesium and pro-biotics from a pill and ideally from home made kefir/sauerkraut/kimchee. I read Dr Mercola (and Tim Ferriss) who recommends all this stuff.
2) Read “A New Guide To Rational Living” by Albert Ellis. This is a non-PC book by today’s standards written in the 50/60’s but it is so simple and it works. Feeling Good by David Burns is an updated longer padded version. Effective but I found it contains a lot of fluff at 700+ pages. Also anything by Wayne Dyer, ideally Your Erroneous Zones – this is based on Albert Ellis work but written in a more easy to read manner. Wayne Dyer is more inspirational than all the rest. He also goes in to some pretty deep stuff in his later work.
3) Exercise almost daily
4) Meditation every day as soon as I wake up using Calm/Headspace
5) Cold Showers – this saves money too so you must do it and please tell me how you get on
6) Wim Hof’s breathing technique. I do one round, takes about 5 minutes. Ideally more the better. Any pranayama will work to oxygenate the blood.
7) Green Juice, either homemade or using one of those powders (ie Amazing Grass). Combined with the breathing this keeps your body alkaline.
8) Avoid all processed foods and sugars as much as convenient. I will eat them for social or lazy reasons only.
9) Read inspirational blogs by beautiful women who retired in their 30’s and imagine a happy future together
Thanks for the resources.
Excellent. This is a courageous, and incredibly valuable post. Thank you for being willing to share, as it will undoubtedly help someone, perhaps in a big way. Best wishes to you, iFriend, and keep up the awesome.
Wow, it’s not like your journey wasn’t already an inspiration! Thank you for sharing such personal details of your past and ongoing struggles with depression.
I know there’s such an ongoing stigma concerning mental health that it’s hard to come out with these issues. Case in point, pre-disgraced Lance Armstrong is able to publicly high five the entire world after he beat cancer but if it were a mental health issue he would have been far more circumspect. So thank-you for sharing your experiences and allowing sufferers and non sufferers alike to understand how normal and treatable it is.
Andrew
Anita,
you are lovely! Please continue for a long time doing what you are doing with your travels and your blogs.
Best wishes,
Juan
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing! You are amazing! I battled depression for a very short period of time when I was going through some difficult times. Medication, therapy, exercise, and making some life changes helped me and I was off the medication and back to normal before long. It was a scary, dark time and I can’t imagine going through that as a kid and/or for a long period of time. Good for you for getting a handle on it and learning how to make life better for you!! By posting this, you can be an inspiration to many others!
Shout out to you sister Thrifty. I never would have guessed that you had a PhD in surviving. I was homeless in Philadelphia in the Fall of 1988 in a crucible of fiery guilt and remorse, and it was so much better then the depression I lived through in my adolescence and early 20s. Your post reminds me of ALL that I have today to be grateful for. Thanks, Aperture.
Hey Thriftygal,
I loved reading this. It’s nice to see the inside view of someone suffering from depression and what they’re doing to try to cope. From your past posts, I don’t think I would’ve guessed that you had such a dark side pulling at you, but I guess that’s me looking from the outside.
The idea of keeping lists to keep you going and on track is so great. I’m sure a lot of us do the same to keep life focused on the things we want and the things that will better our lives. I love following along on your adventures and hope you know that even though it’s probably more a release for you to write these things, it’s also nice for your readers to share in your experiences no matter what they are. Life isn’t always pretty especially for some.
Always an inspiration! I’m so glad you continue to share your journey with us, thank you.
This was like reading my own biography. It’s a lifelong battle and I periodically like to convince myself that I’m fine. Not feeling is being fine right? Anyways you are an inspiration, I’m committed to retiring in 5 years, for my 39 birthday. Love your posts and if our globe trotting adventures ever coincide I’ll definitely get in touch!
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
ThriftyGal – you are amazing. Thank you for pulling back the curtain and showing us the depths of nothingness that depression can be. I have friends and family who are clinically depressed and I’m guessing my happy nature is the last thing they want from me.
You were so brave to share this with all of us. I’m glad you now have more good days than bad. God Bless You!
Melissa
Bravo girl! You continue to inspire. Hang in there. I hope to catch you at one of your meet-ups some day.
Thank you for your bravery in publishing this post! We oftentimes see only the bright side of things, forgetting that there are highs and lows for each and every one of us. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty – it’s a reminder that we each have struggles, that we’re not alone and to continue to keep forging forward in the journey. I really enjoy your blog and its honesty. Thank you for being an inspiration to so many people!
Brave and inspiring post, Thriftygal. I’ve battled some demons myself from time to time, though nothing to the depths of what you have described. The more I talk about, open up and face the issues, they lose power over me. This post was a great reminder to keep following that advice. I wonder how doing this post made you feel…. I love the life path you have chosen and I look forward to following your blog in the future. Keep writing!
Wow! What an honest blog! Thank you for insight. I am going to re-evaluate my life and my feelings towards it. Most of my life I have been told to supress what I feel and its temporary but lot of water under bridge and I want to live again. I want to be that free , happy girl who used to spread laughter and happiness to all around me.
Thank you.
Thank you for opening up to us. Your courage will help others. I respect and admire anyone who battles with mental illness and is willing to tell people that there is help. My husband is schizoeffective. That means he is both schizophrenic and bipolar. The combination is a tough ride. The right medication gave him a life that he had never known could exist. My heart goes out to anyone who has battled with mental illness and those who love them. Because of what my husband has been through, it helped me to become a better person. I am always grateful I hung in there with him. Almost 30 years later, I can say that with contentment. As I learned in a family support group, there can be a “better life with medicine” to pave the way. Thank you!!
What a fantastic post. And I wish that it wouldn’t be taboo for so many people who feel like they can’t talk openly about the chemicals in their make up (not make-up!). I bet you’re helping hundreds of people — or more — with a few strokes of the keyboard. Plus, you write beautifully.
Thank you!
I can never love anyone like I love my sister. You are so brave for sharing your story. Love you Neets!
I used to get sad when I was in high school. I recommend music by Devendra Banhart, Adanowsky, Queen, My Morning Jacket, Helado Negro (electronica/pop), Michael Franti, Os Mutantes, Jorge Ben (aweseome Brazilian music). I really believe that music has magical properties. Good luck on your quest for happiness!
Your vulnerability and honesty are refreshing and beautiful! Thank you!
Have you heard of the Bloggess? She can be found at thebloggess.com. Her blog and books are a veritable smorgasbord of vulnerability, honesty, fun, hope and humor. I think you might like her and her loyal fanbase (who can be found in the comments of her blog and on Twitter).
I strongly suggest you write a page of “ram ram” everyday and chant one mala of ram ram everyday. Reading our Hindu prayers like hanuman chalisa, Durga Kavach and Ramraksha stores are extremely powerful. There is scientific evidence of the powers of Hindu mantras. These will build positive emotions and cure any deficiencies. Try it with complete faith.
Speaking your truth has got to be the most liberating act ever in your life, far beyond retiring early, Thriftygal. Iyanla Vanzant once said ‘You must…address all of the things that are going on within you, and clear out the things that are not useful. Whether it’s fear or anger or shame or guilt or whatever it is – clean that stuff up.’ Getting out from under your “secret” lifts the heavy weight of fear.
I ran through a period of that very heavy horrible flatness, and I think the only things that got me through it was the thought that my cats would have no one to look after them, so basically I lived for them. Whatever it takes, I say.
But right now I have a skunk in my kitchen eating catfood, so I need to go kick her ass out the cat door. And my current cat seems loathe to deal with the situation.
You are brave.
I relish the way you convey the internal conversations I think we all must have with ourselves via your choice of words and phrasing. I totally “get” what you are saying at the same time as I am often appreciating the underlying humor I sense. Ever wish sometimes that you didn’t think so much? I do.
This is the best post yet. This blog just gets better with time.
As a nurse and someone who has also struggled with depression, I believe thrifty gal is doing all the right things. The problem with depression is that the disease itself makes it extremely difficult to take the actions that help manage it. Insidious little bastard.
Dear Thriftygal,
I congratulate you on your bravery to write about something so personal. It is when we show our vulnerability that we are able to obtain real strength, and find happiness. I wish you all the best, and truly believe that you are well on your way to over the moon happiness. The honesty you have shown practically guarantees it. And as for your readers, we’ll just delight in seeing it all happen. Big hug.
You are amazing! I love how you understand the depression and how to accommodate it in your life. Each of us has some sadness that we need to work through however clinical depression can be devastating. Stay strong. You are a survivor.
Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom. It’s good for everyone to know that so many of us go through “Precious” periods. You are doing what you need to do. Keep it up. Big hugs. Susan
Take heart in the fact that you supply a lot of happiness to your readers. So when you feel down think about how you are making the rest of us happy.
It is so good for you that you can bring this out into the open. My daughter is Bipoar 1, and she is doing well now, but it was ten years before she could share her challenge of having a mental illness that is biologically based. The fact you can share this tells how well you are doing! Blessings! Roy
Bravo, on showing courage and and honesty here. I love that your blog is more than about saving money; it’s about living a life as best as you can.
good stuff Anita. despite your attempts at self deprecation and showing us your bottom (metaphorically…not physically), it won’t work. whatever mess your in, i still want more of whatever you’ve got. bring it on! even though this post is mostly confessional, i couldn’t help but read into the statement, “tiring my body and my mind to enrich someone else.” that’s all of us on this blog because i personally feel enriched by everything you’ve put out. if you are still in the concept phase of your future book, perhaps those diaries can be put to some revelatory good use? thank you for your current and future openness. and to quote a great writer, “Don’t worry…Be Happy”. p.s. what were the thoughts behind those statues in the pics from Oslo? i’m more than a little bit weirded out by them.
Makes me happy to hear other people with depression speak up about it! Right on.
Floss is a good resolution. I had a resolution to floss daily about 3 years ago, and it’s been probably my most successful resolutions to date. I think I miss 1 or 2 days total since starting. Boom.
As I wrote before, the interesting part will be to look on as you, dear writer, will make life work for you. You have made it super easy for people to contribute to your life and this blog is becoming a preface that is both the square and square-root of the book that follows. I am connecting to you emotionally on the depression topic. Dealign with depression compels us sort out what is and what is not, and to figure out how to stand for our own possibilities.
Very meaningful post for me. You have done so much at such a young age. Not just the degrees, career, etc but to make the life you desired despite the struggles. I don’t believe in luck. You did all that with effort, hard work, smarts.
Wow! This article has helped me and my 12-yr-old son so much. I love the comic strip you linked to, it really resonated with him (yes, it had several cuss words which he really liked, but oh well, it was totally worth it). This has changed the way I view his depression and has opened a whole new dialogue between us. He feels understood now. What a relief!! Just wanted you to know that you helped some people. Even though he’s still depressed and even though there may not be relief in sight, just being able to talk more effectively about it helps us both. Thank you so much.
Thank you for sharing. I love the honesty of this blog post. It’s really hard to put yourself in a vulnerable place as public as the Internet but it’s great that you are working towards fighting depression.
Out of curiosity, have you found the cause of the depression?
Thank you so much for sharing. We all should be speaking so honestly. Depression is a disease just like diabetes and needs ongoing treatment. Take care.
Sincerely, Reading all your earlier posts, its hard to tell that you have been through a rough patch. Nice motivation. Sometimes we conveniently ignore what others are going through and get into the misconception that we are the once who suffer the most. In those moments, examples like yours are really helpful.
Thanks Thriftygal
Thank you so much for posting this. I too suffer from depression and absolutely love Hyperbole and a Half for finding such a great way to describe it. One of my favorite parts is the dead fish and people suggesting completely irrelevant things to help. “Why not just make them be alive again?” seems to be the sort of response I’ve come across the most. Thanks again for posting and I’m so glad to hear you’ve come leaps and bounds with it.
This was painfully beautiful. Sending you love and gratitude for your honesty!
I am in awe of your courage and honesty. You are an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing this with us. While this must have been hard to write, it is every bit as inspirational as the rest of your work 🙂
Hello! There has been no shortage of supportive comments but I wanted to add my own. Your words and writing have had a fantastic impact on me and what FI goals I am striving for, and if my words to you can have any small impact they should be put out into the universe too I think!
First, this was a very brave thing to write.
I suspect aside from the obvious positive impacts regarding FI and early retirement, the CHALLENGE of it was one more aspect that made it worthwhile for you.
In my own struggles with depression I found that it popped its head up more when I was in a state of lull – no projects on the go, goals momentarily up in the air, that sort of thing. You’ve achieved what many will take a lifetime to do – maybe the depression pops up because part of you is wondering – now what?
What if you found an exercise program that also had a goal to it beyond just fitness and mental health?
I’ve been doing martial arts for about a decade now. I got into it originally because it seemed interesting – but aside from the physical and mental health benefits, the greatest part of it for me has been the challenge. My art in particular is capoeira and it’s been all encompassing. It originated in Brazil so it’s traditionally taught in Portuguese. There are musical instruments played and while I do not consider myself musical in any regard, I’ve learned a few things there too. What I love about capoeira in particular is that it is always evolving and I am constantly challenged. It has brought me to different parts of the world to train, it’s introduced me to new people in difference walks of life, made me want to learn a second language and I can do some really cool physical stuff!
Just a thought for you and no – I’m not trying to sell you anything 🙂 BUT through this I have found a wonderful community, gained so much confidence in myself in both mental and physical aspects, and for someone who loves travel as much as you do – this art is practiced the world over. I have found seeking out a capoeira studio in any country I’ve travelled to has opened doors to new friendships and greater chances to see parts of the world I would miss as a tourist.
Thanks again for sharing and for all of your posts to date. You have a wonderful writing tone and your sarcasm brings a smile to my face.
All the best,
Thank you for writing and posting this brave article.
I have been reading your posts but have never commented. This blog is kind of like my guilty pleasure.
Your blog, your exploits and adventures are fun and let me escape whatever it is I am doing.
I am glad your life has giving you as much joy living it as it has given me reading.
Hope the new day brings happiness and sunshine!!
Thank you for your words.
Depression was a word for me, but now it has a feel and meaning. Not that I understand it (haven’t been to this hell, I know now), I guess that’s a good thing. Because you need to have been there to understand. But for a depression-foreigner, I understand.
Perhaps I can now help people around me deal a little better with it. Perhaps I can be a bit easier on myself with it. Whatever. Any knowledge is worth having. And I want to live to make the most of what I know (and feel and have skill for).
Thank you.
Great post, takes a lot of courage to open up.
Thank you !
you are my hero
Anyone who hates their job, should what you did . Very proud of you
Thanks judge Judy-
Wow….you earn even more respect from me now! I am occasional reader here. But man what a revelation!
I am kinda with Precious right now….nothing as deep as you. Its rare for me.
Someone said it, but a lot and I mean a LOT better alternative is go join a gym. not just any, something like a Crossfit. Find a group to do workout with. OR, join a running group and run a half marathon in a year. Either of hose two things will make Precious go away, perhaps without pills. AND you get fit and healthy.
from one Marathi to another…all the best!
Bob Marley use to say brighten up the darkness
You’re a Boss. Just thought you should know. Sending you virtual kisses (or hugs if, you know, its not culturally appropriate). Thoughts and love from South Africa
You’re an inspiration across the seas.
Congrats on your upside take about life! It has hills and valleys but is reassuring to know that everything will pass. Be gentle to yourself! Thanks for all your honest posts! 🙂
Thank you for posting this. It is helpful for many readers, I am sure.
I don’t know how I missed this post, but glad you included the link in todays blog.
Thank you for being so honest. I have suffered from depression for a very long time, but people can’t believe that I do because I am a nice and caring person. Everything you wrote, made me feel great knowing someone like you lives like I do. I love life, but it has taken me a long time to accept depression is a part of it. I am ashamed that I have been in a psychiatric hospital and that I take medication, but when I hear you share your experience, I feel like its just part of my life and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I am educated, I have a great career, wonderful family, and just a great life, and depression is part of it.
Thanks so much Thrifty Gal…xoxo
Get tips to prevent yourself from sleep depression at tips to control depression
very inspirational and thanks for sharing and being so honest. Good luck with your journey in battling depression.