An old friend called me up the other day and asked me to loan him some money. He was one of my favorite people once, but I haven’t spoken to him in years and I haven’t seen his face in more than a decade, so his request startled me.
Nobody has ever asked me for money before.
He explained that life had been rough and not as kind to him as it had been to me. He spent some time in jail, but now he was looking to turn everything around.
His plan was to become a paralegal. He had recently sued some employers who admitted they didn’t hire him because of his felonies. Apparently, where he lives, you can’t discriminate against felons after a certain number of years.
A potential employer settled with him and he was expecting at least one check in a couple of weeks. This is why he wants to be a paralegal. He thinks he’d be good at it as he prepared the lawsuits by himself.
We chatted for a while and I gave him what little advice I could on the legal industry and paralegal work.
He then thanked me and said he was homeless again and needed help.
Are you in a position to loan me some money?
What interesting wording there. How could I say anything but yes? I have money saved. Of course I’m in a good position.
I’ve never been poor and I don’t know poverty. I’ve always had a roof over my head and enough food in my belly. Everyone I know in my day-to-day life is successful and comfortable.
Nobody has ever asked me for money before.
I said no. As soon as he asked, I declined. I didn’t give a reason and just said no. Sorry. I can’t.
I didn’t ask how much he wanted to borrow, but he threw around fairly large numbers in the conversation, so I suspect the request had at least four digits.
It felt like a test, but I’m not sure I passed.
On the one hand, Judge Judy taught me never to loan money to people. Never a lender or borrower be. When he asked, I said no instinctively.
I made some bad decisions.
Yeah, no kidding.
On the other hand, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the pillars of joy that the Dalai Lama talks about in the The Book of Joy. One of the central pillars is generosity. Generosity is giving your positive perspective, humility, humor, acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, and compassion to others.
If you’re generous and you’re the other seven pillars of joy I just listed, you’ll have joy.
I want joy.
Plus, being generous is item number forty-two on my Life Bucket List, so I’ve been contemplating how to quantify it for a while.
As an economics major and someone who went to the University of Chicago, I prize efficiency over almost anything. I want to give away my money efficiently.
But efficiency is a cold answer to an immediate need.
This did feel like a test from the universe.
Thrift is not the solution for poverty. In most cases, deep, generational, grinding poverty cannot be fixed by the individual. It’s a cultural problem. It’s the fact that there aren’t enough hours in a day to work a minimum wage job and earn enough money to live and save.
I don’t know. The problem feels too big for me. Do you lend money?
I don’t lend money to people, not a sound financial decision.
Yeah, above all it’s not a sound financial decision. Unless you charge interest, I suppose, then it *could* potentially be a sound financial decision.
I wouldn’t have lent him money, but I would have considered giving him some money. Is it going to fix his problems? No, probably not. Would I have given him four figures? No. But karma, the universe, you never know, what happens if I need help one day? I would have given him a bit, probably, for those reasons, while explaining that was all I could afford to give, and wishing him the best. I don’t lend because friendships are destroyed when you expect money back. But giving is a different thing.
I should add that the addiction issue makes giving someone money really problematic, though. It sounds like the whole situation made you really uncomfortable, which is awful. At least he wasn’t trying to sell Rodan and Fields, no?
Haha, That would have been better! I’m great at saying no to pyramid schemes.
All good points.
I have lent money to people. But only those people in my life that I was fairly confident were in a position to pay it back within a reasonable timeframe.
I disagree that generational poverty cannot be fixed by the individual. It’s actually THE ONLY way generational poverty will be fixed. We’ve spent north of $15 Trillion in modern dollars on the “War on Poverty” and poverty rates are almost exactly the same as they were when the war started 50 years ago.
I was born into poverty. I DO know what hunger feels like. I DO know what it’s like to not have a roof over my head. We living in the wilderness and hunt game out of season in order to feed ourselves. I’ve lived in tents. I’ve worn shoes that were two sizes to small. But I (the individual) knew that if I did the same things my parents did, I would be in the same position they were in when I got to their age. Getting out of poverty in the US is so simple, it’s sad that there are so many still there.
1) Don’t have children until you’re ready financially. If you never get there, you never have children. (That’s a great incentive to get there if you want children.) But this in the control of the individual.
2) Do not buy anything on credit. (In control of the individual.)
3) Show up early at your job and leave late even if it’s just 5 minutes either way. (In control of the individual.)
4) Get as much education as you can. Not necessarily school, but intern, on the job training, volunteerism, self study, military… etc. (In control of the individual.)
Show me ANY American that has done all of the above and I will show you a person that is not on poverty and is thriving in today’s America. Even if they’re getting paid minimum wage. It’s not rocket science. It’s ALL about individual choices and it’s almost ALL up to the individual.
The only caveat to the above scenario is unforeseen medical conditions that are completely out of the control of the individual. But that is a very, very small minority of people in a society.
Incidentally, I did all of the above and I’m so far away from poverty, I’d have to climb a tall building to see it.
And you were absolutely correct in not giving this person money if you didn’t want to. No one should feel guilty or obligated to reduce their own means to increase another’s. (Conversely, one shouldn’t be made into a hero for choosing to do it.)
Love your blog… cheers!
And Dan…#5 could be don’t allow drugs into your life…..well said.
Good addition. Drugs + addictive personality = disaster.
I’m going to agree with the pillars to escaping poverty. But I think you do overestimate the ability of the individual to make decisions that grow them towards light (wealth) without the proper soil (culture).
Don’t forget that these wealth pillars are not taught in school. Meaning their passed along some other way – either via families (culturally) or the individual had to discover, test, and adopt these practices into their own life (seeking the information by themselves).
In this age of perpetual distraction – some of us may come upon these principles well after some of these decisions are made (specifically children or early education choices) – i.e. if no one lets you know how important your attention in class is from the beginning of high school – how much harder is it to get into a track that leads to a well-paying career.
I was born to immigrants and luckily loved to read – but I had to discover these rules via testing and implementation – so the road to wealth has had more twists than I would have preferred.
After we’ve been on the road to wealth for awhile we can often forget how it felt (not only to not have the fish) but to not have a clear path towards learning how to fish, and perhaps nobody nearby that knows either.
You have articulated very well why I think it’s more nuanced than the initial comment lays out. I agree with him, but it’s not that easy to do all those things in time.
The light/soil metaphor is so apt, really well put.
I also appreciate her use of the fishing/learning how to fish metaphor.
Thanks, Dan. This was a great comment and I agree with everything you say.
But I think it takes an exceptional person to realize these things you listed young enough to make a difference. As a child, when all your role models are the same type of person, it’s very hard to do what you have no concept of. Your brain is wired for scarcity.
Kudos to you for getting out of poverty.
I moved to US 13 years ago. I worked for 5 years for minimun wages and did all the things you said ( not very punctual though). Today i’m saving for a second home (1st one already paif off). I’ve never made more than 25,000 a year.
People in my environment live paychecks to paychecks.
Wow, good on you!
Well said Dan
Dan, you are spot on. I agree also about not allowing drugs in your life too.
You did the right thing. Somehow whenever you lend or give away money you always become the bad guy. It’s never enough. And if you expect the money paid back they will be angry. So even though you did a good thing, the borrower will most likely just expect more. My reply would have been… I wish I could help but my money is tied up.
That’s another thing Judge Judy has taught me – when you expect the money back, you’re the bad guy. Well put!
Tough situation. Recently had a convo with PF Twitter on the topic of giving and philanthropy. I don’t think twice about giving to a reputable organization, whom I trust to carry out important work in society. But lending to an individual gets messy. There isn’t any established contract, and setting one gets personal. I like the rise of P2P lending platforms to serve as middle man. Thanks for sharing this story, and I support efficient giving, within reason!
I’ve given four figures in the past to reputable charities. It’s about efficiency and knowing where the money is going. For sure.
I have lent money to various members of family and friends. None of those I helped was homeless. My loans were all to help with downpayment for a home, education, health problem or to reach his/her dream. Only twice, I got my money back even though most of them earned more money than I did, and lived lavishly while paying me back very, very slowly. When I became older and wiser, I decided to “lend” money only when I can live without and have no expectation of ever seeing it back. After decades of giving/lending, I feel I have given enough to family and friends. I now just gift to good causes like girls education in Africa. It makes me happier to give to where it’s more needed and help the world. I want my money to have more positive impacts in the world and bring me more joy.
Enjoying your more frequent blogs.
Thanks for noticing my more frequent blogging. 🙂
I like international charities the most as well. Doctors without Borders is one of my favorites.
A good read. Very honest of you to share. Have you been to Awakin circles? They might help no. 42 on your bucket list. Also, you might be generous and still say no. Saying no has nothing to do with how generous you truly can be.
I’ve never heard of Awakin circles, but I’ll put it on my list of things to look into.
Maybe there are situations when saying no is the most generous thing you can do.
A very interesting situation and post today. I also strive to be generous but I have problems with having the same mindset as you; how to give efficiently the largest amount of money that will go to the right organization to affect the largest number of people in the right way. I’m an engineer so yes…very cold and calculating. It doesn’t feel like enough.
To your situation, I also instinctively agree with your choice not to lend. I would throw out an alternative… It’s that if you’re going to do it, never “lend”, always “give”. Give it freely with no strings attached. Never ask for your money back. If it was a good thing, it will help someone in need. If it was a bad thing, they may come back for more, at which point then is your chance to say no because the money didn’t do them good the first time.
In my mind, true generosity is not lending, but the gifting of money; hopefully at the right place and the right time.
Your last paragraph is spot on. I’m glad I’m not the only one to struggle with efficiency.
This is a timely post. I’ve been really struggling with this myself. It’s hard to find the line between enabling someone and being generous.
I think a solution can be to never lend money, but do give it away if you feel comfortable. You can give someone money if you rather, but lending creates expectations and hurt over getting repaid.
I agree here and with Keenan’s comment–if it’s someone I care about I’ll give money to them once, with no expectation of it being returned (and usually a fairly small amount, like low three figures at the most.) It’s a tough question though.
I think I would give to family. My sister loaned me ~$11,000 for law school and she was the first person I paid back.
This is my approach as well – I’d be comfortable saying “well, here is this money as a gift, if you’re in a position to pay it back at some point, great – whether that’s to me, or to help someone else.” I haven’t been asked for any truly significant amounts of money (more than four figures) but I’d handle that the same way, I think.
I have been poor, and totally agree that it’s not really in an individual’s power to lift themselves out of poverty – but you can mess it up for yourself so it’s definitely impossible (avoiding the things Dan and Rudy point out is helpful in avoiding messing your life up). But you have to no mess up your life AND get lucky – some of that luck is by birth (have a white-sounding name? great, you’re more likely to get called in for a job interview) and some is situational, but either way there are huge systemic barriers at play.
Excellent points. It takes an exceptional person, grit, intelligence, and a lot of luck to get out of poverty.
Never lend money. Just give. Good instincts.
I don’t lend $. I just give an amount a lot smaller than they asked. So if someone is like can I borrow $1000, I say, here is $100, don’t worry about paying me back. What can they respond to after that? I’m not worried about getting $ back that I’ll likely never see again, and I’m being generous.
I’d rather treat for dinner than give someone cash. It just feels weird.
Why?
Feels more like a friendly thing than a transaction
I don’t lend. I give money away with no expectation I will get it back. My dear, departed wife taught me that I’m the luckiest guy in the world … I have so much, some others have so little. I need to share.
I usually give just a few bucks to beggars on the street, or buskers. But I recently gave 4 figure to a friend who I knew had no way to ever repay me. That hurt, and I fought with myself over it for a few days. But in the end…that money means a lot more to him than to me.
Just give. Generously. You will be much happier. The recipient will be happier. You will create happiness…how often do you have the chance to do that?
The sentiment is nice, but I would really struggle to give someone four figures. That does sound painful.
I’ve lended large sums to my family before and gotten money back. I’ve also lended and waved away payment since I considered it a gift. As long as I’m in the position to afford giving and it is to someone who I care about that use the money responsibly, I don’t think too much about being reimbursed or the favor being reciprocated. Being able to be so generous has made me feel wealthier and more at peace with myself for my not-quite-deserved good fortune.
Poverty can be ameliorated by strong close-knits networks– giving back to one another when times are hard. But you can choose who you feel willing to let in that way.
This was so beautifully written. I like this comment a lot.
Agreed. Lots of beautiful comments today!
I think that was my biggest hesitation – he wasn’t close knit.
Hi Thriftygal, I absolutely believe you did the right thing. This person made lots of bad choices, starting with not keeping in touch with you unless it was beneficial for him – and then asking you for $$. Just on that basis alone, I’m not sure he deserved anything. Like others have commented, I give money, I never lend. Lending will invariably mess up the relationship unless you know the person really really well and trust them to do the right thing… and a person like that is usually very rare in my experience.
There were so many bad choices that he told me about and not keeping in touch was definitely one of them! Ha.
I wouldn’t lend money to the person but you could consider a gift to the person.
But since the person is embroiled in law suits and has lots of problems you are
probably better off not getting involved.
Agreed. I wish him the best. I hope he does get the check in a couple of weeks and turns his life around with it.
You did the right thing by not lending money. If you gave him anything it would only be a matter of time before he would be back to ask for more. Give to a homeless shelter or food bank as a way to help. If drugs played a role in any of his bad decisions, you could have contributed to his death by giving him money. There are many ways to be philanthropic and helpful without giving cash to an acquaintance who happens to try to guilt you into it.
Oh man, I didn’t even think about the drug overdose potential. That is terrifying!
I generally live by the words of Judge Judy. I did make an exception of lending money to a friend who had his computer break down. The difference from your situation is that I talked to him multiple times a week and that I offered him to lend money.
In your shoes I’d probably have done what you did. Unless you were wearing heels at the time, then I’d have been strictly busy falling over.
As for generosity, I don’t feel generous or joy lending money, I only feel the risk.
I’m very much unqualified to speak of generosity as I’ve not given it much deep thought.
LOL. I don’t really wear heels. I prefer flats because I worship the god of creature comforts.
Except close relatives and friends which you trust (I lend to my siblings), when people ask to borrow money you can give them $250, say it’s all you can afford to lend at the moment. If they don’t pay you back then they’ll never ask you for money again!
Of course every situation is different, but the above is what I probably would have done in the case you described.
Yesterday we went for a massage, the business wouldn’t take credit card and we had no cash with us. We didn’t know this as it was the first time we had been there. The lady in charge said we could transfer the money at another time or come back the next day to pay for our massages. It’s nice to remember that there is more good people than bad people in the world and that we can still trust each other.
People will definitely ask you for more money even if you they don’t pay you back. At least, it happens all the time on Judge Judy. If that happens, Judy is much less likely to rule in your favor. You have no expectation of being paid back if you’re never paid back. If you keep giving in that situation, you’re a fool and Judy isn’t going to help you.
To discourage a friend from asking me to loan him money, I required that he surrender a prized possession as collateral. Also I added interest. He agreed to both. Months after the loan was due I sought to exchange the collateral for complete payment. My friend short changed me on the amount due. We are no longer friends.
Darn, I thought this story would have a good ending. Why did you give back the collateral if he didn’t give you the full amount?
I once dated my hairdresser. I gradually learned that she was poor and eventually she started hinting that she wanted me to support her. When I asked why she couldn’t make ends meet she said she didn’t have enough clients but I later found out that whenever another hairdresser in her shop pissed her off she just refused to come in for a couple of days and didn’t tell anyone. Of course, it was always someone else’s fault. When I brought up the fact that I passionately hated many royally shitty people at my job yet I still went in every day our relationship promptly ended, and I had to find another place to get my hair cut. It was a brief yet highly educational relationship for me. 🙂
I couldn’t agree with Dan S. more – in this country, there are no excuses for an able bodied person to be poor. Millions of people with less than nothing have pulled themselves up by the bootstraps. BTW, the construction industry routinely hires ex cons or pre release felons for laborer jobs. It’s the hardest work there is, but many an ex con has worked their way up to Foreman, Superintendent, Owner– jobs that easily pay north of $75,000.
Getting out of poverty requires a fundamental personality change from believing that you are a victim to being personally accountable. Fundamental personality changes don’t happen often, especially when all your friends and family are “victims”. If you give money to a “victim” you are just rewarding bad behavior, prolonging the problem and they will make every excuse not to pay you back. After all, excuses are what they are best at. 🙂
Do fundamental personality shifts ever happen?
My husband and I have given substantial amounts to family (brothers) for education and once for a down payment. In all cases they had provided the majority of the money themselves, and we just improved the situation; they didn’t have to take out as large of a loan. We feel like we have more than enough in our early retirement, and don’t expect to be repaid. In some ways, this is paying it forward, as I got a $5000 gift from my parents to add to my house down payment. I did pay them back (with a trip – as they would not take it as cash).
My parents wouldn’t take cash from me either. In fact, when I come visit, they always slip some money into my bag when I leave.
Over the years, I’ve had a few friends and acquaintances ask for money. Each time I thought a lot about it before doing it. I came to this conclusion and set of parameters. I only lend cash if I’m OK with never seeing the money nor the friend ever again. Money can ruin relationships. I think its the number one reason people get divorced. However, there is a great deal of satisfaction with helping someone in need. And falling on hard times can unexpectedly happen to anyone. Good luck.
This is exactly what I planned to add. Just to add – in the scenario mentioned in the post I would definitely not loan the money, especially to someone who has not kept in touch for a long time.
Hard to ascertain the ability to pay back in that scenario.
Yeah, that’s what I keep thinking about. Falling on hard times can happen to anyone. Nobody is immune.
Dear ThrifyGal,
My attitude has always been: If I have the money to lend, I’ve got the money to give. If I haven’t got it, I’ll tell you. I’d rather give it to you, and cut all ownership of that money, so that it doesn’t have a chance to fester doubt, or anger, or confusion, in my life. I can think of only one time when anyone brought back the money he borrowed, and I thanked him, and let him keep it. I’m not in this world to make a profit, except from those who design to make my money profitable. Banks, investors, and so on.
I bet your friend was excited to keep the money. What a lovely gesture!
I’ve lent money to eight people in my life (but who’s counting). Friends, family, real estate investing associates. One person has paid me back in full (my brother in-law). It’s such a slippery slope. It’s amazing you were able to say no so quickly. Good job!!
7 people haven’t paid you back in full? That’s a daunting statistic.
It sounds like you handled things well! I never lend money either – but then again I’ve never been asked. When someone in my life needs money I have given it away to them, but never on the condition of repayment and never because they asked.
I don’t think I’d be likely to do that to someone out of the blue who I’m not already close with though. There are countless people who need help, and it’s hard to make a dent.
Goes back to giving money away efficiently, right?
I have been on the list of dozens of friends and everyone I’ve loaned to ruines the friendships we had it’s not a fun thing to ask and bother them to pay you back so good work just say no or you can’t it’s way easier 😉
Thanks, I’m glad you agree.
What i find weird about your experience is that you and the old friend haven’t talked in years. It feels a bit disrespectful of him to call up someone he has no current relationship with.
My husband and I don’t loan. We learned the hard way. It pisses us off when people don’t keep their promises.
What we’ve done to take care of generosity is to create a Schwab Charity Fund. We deposited a chunk of money there and whenever we feel like it, we earmark a certain amount of money from that fund to a charity. The organization has to be a certified nonprofit, it can’t be an individual. But once the money is in the Fund, while it’s still on the stock market, we can’t get it back. That is, it’s ours to dedicate to whatever organizations we like, but we can’t take it back for our personal needs. I like that. It makes giving much easier. I’m not giving up anything, because I’ve already given it up!
Oh my gosh, I love this strategy!
My dad always told me that if you lend money to someone, never expect to get it back.
I have lent money to people, some have given it back, some have not.
However his words have always stayed at the forefront of my mind (despite the promises of others).
I have nothing to add to this comment that I haven’t already said, so I’m not sure why I’m commenting.
“His plan was to become a paralegal. He had recently sued some employers who admitted they didn’t hire him because of his felonies.”
He sues to get money, having provided no service. He wants to become professionally able to sue yet more people. And this he thinks a positive. Presumably, this is how he wants society to operate. Ms Gal, I suspect you ducked an ongoing nightmare here.
Yeah, that part bothered me a little, but if it’s illegal to discriminate against felons and the company is ignorant enough to admit they refused to hire him because of the felonies, that’s also on them.
I borrow money from friends all the time, usually when I go on a trip and a friend is nice enough to get the hostel rooms and whatever tour deal we are going on in the same purchase. I always pay back, but sometimes I take a bit longer than usual, so far they put up with it… my company must be worth it I guess XD.
Haha. Good company does go a long way.
I give money freely. I tend to pay rent, buy a bed or go grocery shopping. That way they can use “their money” for what they “need”. I do it once. Being generous brings me joy. I’ve never had it backfire. In your case, I would probably asked if there was a practical thing you could help with. If the thing was not practical, I probably would have said that it wasn’t in their best interest right now. I am a very quiet millionaire….
This is a lovely idea and I like the phrase quiet millionaire. 🙂
In my experience (I’m 81) it has been better to listen (hear), decide, and then GIVE what is comfortable for me; without expecting repayment. Giving is better than lending. Lending implies you will get it back; which usually doesn’t happen.
I’m impressed with your tech savvy at 81!
Agreed
You could just give him some money. If you think he’s eventually going to pay you back, tell him to pay it forward. If you think he’s a deadbeat, tell him it’s a loan due in a year and you probably won’t ever hear from him again.
Seems like throwing away money in my opinion.
If we look at the universe of borrowers, there’s a set who pay as agreed. A set who never pay and vanish. A set who never pay and craft a blank face; a debt? There never was a debt. There never was such a thing as a debt. And a set who invert the relationship. You think you are the lender and have a call on them. Pretty soon they are dealing with you more or less constantly. Something came up, but by next month…. Just checking in to assure you that there’s been some trouble, they’ll be the first to admit it, but next month things are going to be right. Something really heartening has come up, and with just a little more of an advance, you can see them through to real financial and “professional” security, after which you are going to be Their First Priority. What! They just don’t understand it. Their parents had generously agreed to bring them current, and what!?! They didn’t! And now they’ve gone off to Europe again, and you’re saying they didn’t pay? Well, by God, they;ll be speaking firmly to their parents as soon as they return, and you’ll be getting the back installments. Count on it.
After a while you understand that in lending money to them they’ve created a perpetual call on you for attention and relationship. You thought they owed you money, but it’s really you owe them: involvement. Involvement in their Brownian life. The chaos du jour.
Charlie Brownian life?
Batting randomly against the walls of life, as in Brownian motion
Oh, of course (lol)
As the parent of a drug abuser, I would never give cash to a friend or family member in this situation. You could offer to pay a bill or two in person. If he/she declines, then you have your answer. They need money for their habit. Its sad, but easy to figure out.
Drugs will ruin your life if you let them.
Loved this post! Personally I have given money as a gift and will continue to do so if I am able.
I’d love for you to write a post on gift giving and gift receiving: for birthdays, Christmas/religious occasions. How do you handle it with family and friends?
I prefer to gift experiences – like a class or dinner which we can build a memory together. Because I am in a place where I am content with what I have, I find gifts a waste of money especially when I receive them from those I know can’t afford to give it. This makes me feel terribly guilty because I didn’t want it and they couldn’t afford it! There is also a weird dynamic of gift expectation because my spouse and I are better off financially than the relatives. And it feels weirder because we are careful with our spending as we are still building our financial security while they seem to spend way above their means. I value quality time so getting “stuff” that I don’t want really bothers me (don’t get me started on environmental impact!) as does spending precious time looking for “stuff”. Also I frequently get guilted into spending more on reciprocal gifts only because I was gifted something expensive. I try to remember that the purpose of a gift is in its receiving (Marie Kondo). What say you?
I look forward to your posts and love that you are posting more frequently. 🙂
Thanks for noticing my increased frequency! I’m lucky in that my family doesn’t really do gifts. We do a white elephant for Christmas and maybe something for the kids, but that’s it.
Don’t lend – give. If a friend asks to borrow money, and you want to give it to them, tell them it is just that, a gift, BUT if they can give it back some day that would be much appreciated. The day you give it to them, consider it gone – getting it back will also be a gift, IF it happens. That is the only way to ‘lend’ money to a friend and be sure the friendship will survive. And, if you do not want to GIVE them that money, then don’t LEND it either.
My one big exception to this policy is if it is a very short term liquidity issue and the terms are very clear – “I need $200 until I get my paycheck next week and then I will pay you back ($200, $210, whatever) on that Friday.”
I like the sentiment that getting it back will feel like a gift.
There exists a dysfunctional class of parasites who find other people’s money, if it can be made available, more attractive than earned money. They have a great deal of class solidarity, and use guilt and the supposed existence of social norms to shame the money out of those who have into the hands of those who “need.” This writer presumably doesn’t know you or your long-lost leach-wannabe, but is operating on a level of abstraction: it may not work this time, but Ms Gal must be prepared so she’ll cave to the next appeal.
Good comment in response to a troll. I just decided to delete his comment and ban him.
I don’t lend or give money to anyone – let alone family or friends. At one point, I have given freely and it enabled them to treat me like an ATM machine and to treat me poorly when that ATM stopped working. I was finally able to see people for they were. I also have learnt to differentiate between a want and a need. What they think is a need- doesn’t necessarily mean it is a need. I see need elsewhere and I’m generous with my money there. Lending money encourages people not to take responsibility.
Well, it’s rude of you not to repair the ATM when it stopped working.
Thank you for posting your situation, have learned a lot from the various comments. Don’t know what I would have said if the same situation happened in my life. Like most have already said, I would give if I could afford to lose the money, and would never expect it back. Have “loaned” before and it has always turned out badly. Today I put something aside every month for giving. Have a few places I give a little to each month and more builds up. When something comes up that I would like to donate to, first I check this balance. Guess I would have done what you did, check my gut. I offered what I had, to my estranged brother, when he was having a hard time. He refused. Guess I got lucky.
The comments section is very wise for the most part and you do sound lucky. You’re as lucky as you want to be.
No, no, no, no, NO. I would never have loaned money to this individual. Even if you knew each other earlier, he didn’t have the time or energy to contact you before, when he didn’t need money?! Naaah, you were at the end of a very long list of people he was contacting for this — and only this — purpose.
If you’d agreed to loan him the money, I highly doubt you would have heard from him again. Until the next time he needed money, that is.
We have loaned money before. One person was careful to pay us back promptly. (And she can borrow more whenever the heck she wants to, because of it.) Another person paid us back, but only after several reminders.
And a third person — who we cosigned for on a student loan — ‘forgot’ to keep the loan organization apprised of her student/non-student status, as well as not making payments. So we would get regular phone calls, asking for that month’s installment. Finally, she was three months in arrears. We found this out the hard way, when Husband’s credit score dropped 100 points, and the loan company started dunning us regularly. We gave up at that point, and just made the regular payments. When it was paid off, we told this person, and presented it as a Christmas gift. (It was thousands of dollars.) She thanked us politely — but to this day, has never made any effort to pay us back. Nor do I think she ever will.
Will we ever cosign for anyone again, particularly Person #3? I think you know the answer.
On the other hand, my parents made payments for my college tuition that were a great sacrifice — but they never said anything, and I never knew, until years later, when Brother accused me of being an ungrateful bitch. That really hurt, since I had worked extra jobs, gotten scholarships, worked in high school, etc. to pay as much as I could of my college costs.
I decided years ago to start trying to pay this back — even though my mom, to this day, has never said anything about it. So we pay monthly for a housekeeper to come in and clean for her, and I send her a small check every month so she can go out to eat at least a few times. Our income won’t let me do much more, but I feel that in a small way, I am reimbursing her for something that changed my life. She really appreciates both these items too, which helps. Brother, on the other hand, refused to help Mom at all, when I asked him. (“She’ll just waste it.”) He is unaware, unless my mom has said something, that we’re even doing this.
So…giving quietly? You bet. It falls into the same category as living — do it unobtrusively, don’t announce or be flashy about it. And give because YOU feel led to do so. People won’t even think you have the funds — and you don’t get pestered.
The house cleaner for your mom is a brilliant way to pay her back. I love this!
Red flags all over the place. Definitely do not lend him money.
Once a co-worker asked me for money and I said no. Well I’m glad I did because he quit shortly after and come to find out he borrowed money from other coworkers and never paid them back.
There were more red flags.
I think being generous is a very important facet of life. One key is to set an amount yearly or monthly that you are willing to give and stick to it. A percentage of income works well. And then give wisely. I like battered women’s shelters and adoption agencies, but that is just me. And……pick up the check for that student or friend whose company you really enjoyed.
Great ideas. Tithing.